~Craziness is contagious~

Living in a Material World

2012-01-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

I walk to and from work when I can. When it's not pelting rain or subfreezing temperatures (which, I'm starting to think will be getting here soon). When I walk, I think. I let go of my thoughts and just let them wander where ever they want to take me. Sometimes this is a good thing.   Sometimes it's really not.

In any event, I was walking to work the other day, thinking about money. That's been the hot topic for my little brain the past few months. Even more so lately.   I was having a bit of a down morning- more freaking out than calm about what the hell I'm going to do about bills, etc.   I started thinking about those people who have money.   Rich folk. I don't know how I got onto them, but I did. At first I was envious. Of course. But not in an aggressive or violent kind of way. Just a jealous way.

It was then that I thought to myself that I value stuff too much. I put too much stock into what I have. I began to berate myself for being one of those whiney little kids who throws a tantrum because their parent didn't buy them an Ipad for Christmas. But then another part of my brain reared up, vehemently denying such allegations. It pointed to what I had when I did have money (I have never been anywhere close to rich, or well off, or mainstream. But I've had more than I do now).   I don't really spend it on stuff. It asked me to revisit my dreams of winning the lottery (or finishing my book and having it be successful... pft), and what I would do with that money.    I did this and came to a pretty awesome conclusion, at least in my opinion. One that made me feel a bit better about myself.

I don't value stuff. I value doing.

Most of the items on my list of "If I Ever Got Rich This Is What I Would Do" include things like travel, classes for my kids, and classes for myself. Trips to museums and national parks and seeing and learning what the world out there is like. Being able to finally take my kids to see things like the Nutcracker and Cirque Du Soleil and Disneyland. Quitting my job so that I can stay home and write more. And, of course, taking my family with me for many of these adventures.

I don't think of items that I want. I don't dream of huge shopping sprees or anything like that. It isn't material items that I value. The only material items I want are the house and car. But that is only to finally own my own home, and a vehicle that I do not constantly worry about breaking down.   One that is better on gas mileage and nicer to our environment.

Even my home that I want is geared more towards doing.   I don't want a huge mansion of a home. Just something big enough to fit my family comfortably and allow us to attend to the many hobbies that we have. I want more land and hobby room than actual living room. I want land to have a garden and a fruit grove. To have chickens and goats. I would love to be able to cultivate a home that was completely self-sufficient if need be. Solar energy (or whatever would work best out here) and all that jazz.

So, that thought process wound up being one of the good ones. One that let me sit back for a moment and breath, and stop berating myself for a bit. It didn't help me stress any less about money, but that's okay.    The money thing will work itself out eventually. Heck, it will probably even help me dig a bit more into that whole "self-sustaining" living mindset at least in some areas.

Productivity

2012-01-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today was a rather productive day, if I do say so myself.   I finally found a table (for FREE on Craigslist- can't beat that!) to use as a crafting table. We also found a really nice desk to use as a sewing table for cheap at the Goodwill. So, the room that has been storing all the random stuff since we moved in got cleared out. When I looked at it, I realized it really needed a good vacuuming and shampooing. Since I cannot afford the carpet shampoo for the shampooer, I went online looking for homemade cleaners to use instead. Almost every site I looked at suggested a mixture of white distilled vinegar and water. So, that's what I did. I couldn't believe how well it worked!

So, my crafting room and living room got a shampooing. Then, we went over to a friend's house to help her clear out a back bedroom that was FULL of stuff her landlords had left. Well, we got there late, so weren't much help for that, but got to do a little bit, and then stuck around for some birthday cake!     They gave us an old entertainment center they had recently replaced, so we brought that home . When they brought the entertainment center here, Boyfriend talked them into helping him move the crafting table (which is really heavy) into the crafting area.

When we got home from their house, we set up the entertainment center. The end table the tv had been sitting on was moved into the craft room to house my daughter's new convection oven that we got her for her polymer clays. Then the bookshelf that was holding all the dvds and video games got switched out with a smaller one, since the games fit in the entertainment center. The bigger bookcase got moved into the crafting room, and I got to put out all my crafting books, as well as some other random books and now I have more room to unpack more books!   Tomorrow, once the battery for the drill is charged, we will hang a shelf for the craft room, and maybe switch around the table and booths in the kitchen.

I'm excited to be finally feeling like we are getting settled in, set up, and making the house our own. I am super excited, though, to have a place set up specifically for crafting. We have a huge table where we can both really spread out our stuff, and not interfere with each other's space! I have an area set up specifically for sewing, so no more excuses. I HAVE to learn how to use that thing, and then actually use it! I think my daughter will use it, too.

I'm hoping that this year turns out to be more creatively productive then last year was.

Swallowing my pride

2012-01-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

Having to go back on DSHS has really given my quite a slam to my pride. I worked to get off of it twice before already, and having to go back to it is not something I ever wanted to have to do. The first time was when I got pregnant, the second time was when I got divorced. This time, well, we are victims of this crumbling economy.

There are times when being at work is just too much for me sometimes. There was a moment last week, when I was listening to yet another person I work with who got approved for buying their home. Everyone there seems to be in the process of buying a home. Seriously- I know of 4 offhand. Don't get me wrong. I am super excited for them. It's a huge deal, and it's great to see them so excited and happy. That particular day just happened to be the day that my boyfriend was sitting down at the state office, waiting to hear if we would qualify for any type of assistance. She was gushing about getting the call about being approved for her new house, while I was trying to make sure I got documentation of my earnings down to the state aid office.

We had to borrow a significant amount of money from a friend just to get our rent paid on time. I get paid a day too late, and it would have cost me another $100 for that one-day delay. So my check is gone. My next check, and child support, will all go to next month's rent. Entirely. That leaves no money for paying the bills, which are already late. I am trying really hard not to freak out. Scenarios go through my head that sometimes make me want to scream and cry in frustration. I won't lie- sometimes the crying happens. At least I don't scream.

We turned off our television. I think, overall, that will actually be a good thing. We still have Internet, obviously, since we do so much of our communication through it. But, it is the next thing on the chopping block should it come to that.

All I want is to be stable. Financially stable. Have a little bit extra to go do nice things once in awhile. My dream right now is to be able to take my kids on a real vacation. Somewhere not in this state. Disneyland, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon. Somewhere. I was hoping to do that this year, but that is not going to happen. Maybe next.

I am not trying to give a sob story here. We are still okay for the most part. We did qualify for help with food, which was my main concern. I didn't want to be one of those people who had to decide whether to pay the power so the heat isn't turned off, or to buy food for the children. Luckily, I won't have to. It's just my pride that is suffering.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

2011-12-31T18:40:00.000-08:00

2011 has been one hell of a year for me. It was not altogether nice. Between my son telling me he was hearing voices, my daughter going blind and fainting in the shower- causing a 911 call, my own issues with my kidneys, some pretty serious fights with my boyfriend, and having to go back on state aid- I've had about more stress than I can handle. It has affected my health. It's affected my job. It's affected my overall general state of mind.

BUT, fortunately I can say that all but one of those has fixed themselves. We are still having to use state aid to get by, but my son, my daughter, myself, and my relationship with my boyfriend are all fine and going strong. I am thankful for that.

I don't feel like I got very much accomplished this past year. A lot of wants. A lot of ideas. A lot of talk. No doing. That is the one thing I hope to change with the new year. More doing. Like the Home Depot commercials say. Yeah- I want that to be me.

Along with doing, I want to simplify. This is where I hope having to go on state aid helps. By giving me a kick in the pants and forcing me to stop and reevaluate my surroundings. Where can I cut back. Where can I do-it-myself? What can I do to make my life simpler, healthier, and more satisfying? How can I do this in a way that will be self-sufficient? How will it help the environment around me? Etc etc etc.

I'm planning on really digging in and get my hands dirty this year. Literally. I'm going to make that garden bed out there flourish. I want to build a compost system so I can make use of all those leftovers that make my stomach squirm every time I throw them in the garbage. I want to plant fruits and veggies so that I can have fresh, healthy food for my family. Eventually I'd like to get a chicken coop built so I can have a few chickens, too.

I plan on cooking more at home. With limited funds with which to spend going out, or on frivolous food, we will be forced to sit down and actually think about what we want to eat. We will be more apt to plan menus and actually shop for and prepare what is on them. By doing so, I hope to eat more health-conscious. I am a bit worried about this part, because I've noticed that it seems the more healthy a food- the more expensive it is. But by preparing our meals at home, and utilizing what I'm able to grow in the garden, I hope to have a better idea and control of what I am actually putting into our bodies.

I want to work on crafting. I want to make it more of a priority in my day-to-day life. I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get in and nab that table/desk down at the Goodwill to turn into a sewing station. I already have a few beginner-type projects in mind that, if they turn out right, will become gifts for a pregnant friend of mine. (Ssshhh... she doesn't know!). My daughter has gotten very into crafting lately, so I'm hoping that her drive helps push me along, too. If I am focusing on helping her achieve her goals, then I will help mine by helping her. =) Win-win.

With this in mind, I sat down and compiled a short list of my goals for 2012. These are not resolutions. I always fail at those. They are just goals I've set, and I hope to have them all finished by this time next year.

1. Build that composter system.
2. Finish writing Bone & Silver.
3. Blog on each of my websites at least once a week.
4. Do some sort of craft once a week. Even if it's working on an ongoing project- do something!
5. Visit Mount Saint Helens with the kids.
6. Visit Mount Rainier with the kids.
7. Start using my sewing machine.
8. Make my own soap.
9. Learn to knit &/or crochet.
10. Cook and eat at home most of the time.
11. Eat less processed food.
12. Grow my garden and eat it!

To be 18 again

2011-12-31T09:19:00.000-08:00

When I was fresh out of high school, I weighed 105 pounds- 115 if I was wet and having a "fat" day. While seeing others that were overweight didn't bother me, and most of them I still see as beautiful women, I just couldn't fathom it happening to me. I would just never let that happen. I heard the stories of women who gained weight while they were pregnant, and then couldn't get it back off. I figured that wouldn't happen to me, either. Heck, I did 2 hours of aerobics every other day for goodness sake. I would continue to exercise and eat healthy while I was pregnant and keep myself fit and trim.

I can hear you laughing already. Ahh... to be 18 again...

Take into consideration the fact that I lived with 6 other people in a house the size of maybe a double garage. There was no room to work out. I wasn't in high school anymore with the required P.E. class to work out at. Not to mention the fact that I didn't realize the severity of a craving. An honest-to-goodness-gnaw-at-your-bones craving. For me, it was Snickers and Chicken McNuggets. Yeah- not gonna gain weight at all with that diet!

So, there I was, gaining weight and not caring. I quickly went into the mentality of "I'm pregnant. I'm suppose to eat more!" LOL.... Denial is bliss, sometimes, isn't it?

While I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight. Heck, he was 10lbs and 10oz, and 21&3/4 inches long. He wasn't a small baby. I gave birth to a linebacker! But he wasn't the entire reason for all my weight. It was the general laziness that came over me. I didn't want to exercise. Then it got too cold. I'm sorry, but I am the biggest cold wuss there is on the face of the planet. I hate it, and it makes me shrivel in a corner and cry. I'm being almost literal here. So, too cold for outdoorsey exercise.

I told you that, at most, I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant. By the time I had him, I was tipping the scales at 190.

I did manage to lose quite a bit of that weight. I actually probably got down to what most would consider a "normal" weight afterwards. I was around 140. At 5'6" this tends to be an acceptable weight. It wasn't for me. I got pregnant again, gained a bunch of weight again, and got back down to around 140-150. Again- probably more acceptable for most.

Not for me.

I'd lived my life as this skinny little minnie, and now all I could see was flub. I'm back at the 180-190 mark again. No babies this time. No "excuses" this time. What is crazy is when I think back onto when I was at the 140-150 mark. I thought I was huge. I actually saw myself as I look now. I understand the visual "hallucinations" anorexics see in the mirror, although I've never been anorexic. Because I had them.

All of this is leading up to that one important question: What am I going to do about it?

If you have read my blog, or if you know me personally, you might know about the recent scare I had with my kidneys. Mind you, I had already come to the conclusion, and the action, of changing my diet and getting a bit more exercise. More veggies, less junk food in the house, and walking to and from work feels good. So, that change had already been made. I'd do about 3-4 days of walking for an hour at a low-moderate pace on my treadmill as well. However, when I had the scare with my kidneys, it really drove home the fact that I need to start focusing on not just my weight, but on my overall health. Again, I had already made this conscious decision, but this really proved it to me in a way that made it stick.

I've taken on a morning and evening routine of light exercise. 25 crunches, 25 knee-push ups, 25 upper leg lifts, 25 lower leg lifts, 25 side crunches, 25 more push ups, 25 more upper leg, 25 more lower leg. It's not much, but it's a start. We've continued to eat better (if you just go ahead and discount this entire holiday season... we'll just pretend all that didn't happen). I've continued to walk to work as much as possible, but it hasn't been as much as I'd like. Life sometimes just gets in the way of that. And my treadmill has been unplugged, so time to remove the Christmas tree so I can plug it back in again. I need to get back on that thing. I need to steal my daughter's Ipod, learn how to download audiobooks/ebooks to it, and start walking. Hopefully advance to jogging, and maybe someday running.

I think I've lost sight of my original intention for this blog post. I don't remember what my 'moral-of-the-story' was intended to be. But, I guess it boils down to the fact that one of my new year resolutions is to take charge of not just my weight, but my overall health. Physical, mental, emotional. I have plans to help me obtain some of those. I'll post another blog concerning the more nitty grit of that in a bit.

Kidney Specialist

2011-12-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

**UPDATE 12/20/2011**
I just got back from the specialist's office. As of right now, it's still a whole bunch of "I don't know". At this point, it is going to stay at that. There was nothing on the ultrasound that meant anything. Also, my numbers have not gotten worse as far as the funtionality of my kidneys. So, there is really nothing they can do at this point outside of going totally HOUSE MD on me and testing me for all kinds of wild guess things that will probably turn out to be nothing. He said that it could be that something was going on that has since fixed itself. So, I am to just go ahead and live a normal life and not worry about it. Well, worry about it enough to keep going and getting my blood drawn every year to check it and make sure it hasn't decided to decline some more. Other than that.. keep hydrated, eat healthy, and continue to get some exercise in as often as possible. So that is what I am going to do. I plan on going and finding a new doctor with the new year, so when I do that I will talk with her/him about their thoughts on the topic. The specialist did say I might have to go on high blood pressure medications sooner than they would normally decide to medicate someone. So there is that to think of, too. But, he says I seem to be fine, and as long as we don't see any further decline in function, I'll be able to just live like normal. So yay, I guess!
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**UPDATE** 12/13/2011
I had my ultrasound today. They went in and looked around at my bladder, my kidneys, and the veins/arteries surrounding them. I have another appointment next Tuesday (the 20th) to go over the results (if any) of those pictures. I am torn between what I want. I'm afraid of them finding something, but I'm afraid of them NOT finding anything. The thought of something in there is scary, but at the same time, the thought of there not being anything there means we STILL don't know what is going on, and there will be more searching to figure it out. No fixing. So, I think I am hoping that they found something- but something easy to deal with. Wham, bam, kidneys are working again Ma'am. =) I will let you know what I find out next week!
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ORIGINAL POST: Nov. 2011

For those of you who don't know- I was diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease, what would be considered "moderate", in October. My doctor ran a second test to confirm, which happened in November. Since I was fine last July, he was mostly concerned with how quickly they seem to have deteriorated. And he could figure out no reason behind it. So, he sent me to a specialist, who I met with today.

He started out by telling me I only had 4 years left... if nothing at all changes and the deterioration continues to deteriorate at the same level, that is. Fortunately, we caught it, and can now proceed to do something about it. First off is the obvious- get my weight under control. It's not the main issue or concern, but it definitely won't hurt and will probably help with all of the other issues surrounding the kidney function. Next, figure out what is causing the decline. He also said he could not find anything in my lifestyle behaviors that would account for it, so my next step is a couple of ultrasounds. He wants to look at my kidneys themselves, and the arteries surrounding them, to see if anything is going on there somewhere. They faxed my info to the ultrasound place, and hopefully they will call soon to schedule the appointment. Then I will go back to the specialist to discuss the results and see where to go from there.

So, pretty much still no answers. But, baby steps in the right direction. Oh, and I have to start drinking pickle juice. Not ANY pickles, but DILL pickles. Gag.

On a serious note, this is something that is fairly common, and pretty much symptomless. The only reason it was discovered was through a regular annual physical. It's funny, because I've been saying I needed one for awhile now, but kept putting it off. When I went to the W.A.L.E. conference in October I got sick, and thought maybe I had an ear infection. THAT is what got me to the doctor, prompting me to schedule my physical. I felt so stupid when I heard that my "ear infection" was just allergies. But now, I'm glad I went and felt stupid, because who knows when I would have finally gotten around to making that appointment, and who knows how far my kidneys would have gone without being discovered. It's the little things.

Apology

2011-12-05T20:37:00.001-08:00

I apologize if you happened across the "Nice" post. That was not suppose to have been published. I was rather upset, and hadn't even finished it. I must have hit "Publish" out of habit, instead of "Save". That's what I get for not double checking. Again- if you were subjected to that, I apologize. Please promptly forget it. Thank you.

Trust

2011-12-03T08:59:00.000-08:00

It's one of those fragile things in life. In my mind's eye, I see it as that beautiful, delicate vase that you treasure. Then, someone comes along, picks it up, and throws it to the floor. It breaks, but you gingerly pick up the pieces and glue them back together. You have a vase again, and it might even be usable, but it's never the same. You can see the faults. It is weaker than it was. So you set it back up, maybe a little higher this time. But the person picks it back up and tosses it to the floor again. And it breaks, again.   So you pick up the pieces and glue them back together, again.

However, they keep picking it up and throwing it back down. And each time it breaks, those slivers get smaller and sharper. They cut deep and now it's not just the vase that is marred. But you keep picking up those pieces, and keep trying to glue them back together. But after awhile the pieces are too small- too broken. They don't fit right anymore. The glue doesn't hold them anymore. You are down there, bleeding, wanting to fix something that probably isn't fixable anymore.   You look to the person for help, and they just shrug and say "I don't know what to tell you."

Different people throughout life may come along and pick up that vase. Sometimes they will try to help you put it back together. Sometimes it really was just an accident.  But when the same person keeps throwing it down. Keeps shrugging their shoulders.  Doesn't even care. There comes a point when it isn't fixable anymore. There is no way to put those pieces back together.   Where do you go from there?

Stress

2011-11-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

I've been having a hard time lately; a hard time keeping my stress under control. I try to not worry about things, but I think that instead of just "letting go", I am actually just internalizing everything. I'm just hiding from it, or running from it, or just completely denying it instead of dealing with it. However, when I try to deal with it, I realize that there really isn't any way to deal with it. It just is what it is. I try to accept it, but then we are back to the question of whether that is what I am actually doing or not.

I stress out about everything. I honestly think it is affecting my health. I somewhat wonder if it's causing my medical problems (more on that in an upcoming post). I think it is probably at least contributing.

I know I am being very vague in this, and I am doing so purposefully. I apologize for that, but, well, it is what it is.

Alterd Mindsets

2011-11-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

There is something to be said for staying home sick for a day. After today, I may just have to go expose myself to every one's sneezes and coughs more often. Rub that crap (okay, not that crap) all over me. In my swarmy state of mind that often accompanies me when I do not feel well, I was kicked by the writing bug. I got 15 pages written, plus some editing done. Now, that may not sound like much in the scheme of things. But for me, that is phenomenal progress. And, it alleviated a load of stress from certain areas of the storyline.

I've come to the conclusion that my writing bug on that story is finished for today, but with a 3-day weekend coming up, I'm hoping to at least catch that little bug again. I can do without the feeling like poo-poo part, but if that's what it takes, then I'm willing. Seriously. Sneeze on me. Thanks.

Butt Can!

2011-10-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, inspiration strikes me, and I can get somewhat, if not downright, crafty. My latest inspiration smacked me in the face while debating what to do for cigarette butts. Now, no one in my household smokes, but many of my friends and family do. So, while preparing for my birthday party that we had a couple weeks ago, I was trying to figure out where I could have everyone put their butts that wouldn't muck up my yard. I also didn't want to wind up with half-empty soda bottles stuffed with them (yuck!). This came to me in a brilliant moment of smackdown.

It involves empty soup cans, a picture of my family's butts that we took at a previous gathering (don't ask), white paper, black Sharpie, some Mod Podge, some water sealant, and some kitty litter.

I was originally thinking of finding a bunch of pictures of animal butts on the Internet, but then my boyfriend reminded me of this picture. It was just too perfect. =)

On the Hilltop

2011-10-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.    Let me be the first to tell you- I am not doing good with this.   I took turning 30 just fine.   Yeah, I was no longer in my 20s, but by that time, I think I was ready to grow up some, and be an adult. But, 35 just seems overwhelming.   At 35 they start telling you about all the things you can't (or shouldn't) do, like have children, and a whole new list of things you should do, like mammograms.   It's like a huge stamp that says "Officially OLD" on my forehead. I have yet to find wrinkles, but I am sure they are coming. Of course, I slather on my handful of moisturizer every night and forbid myself to even look for them.   It may just be denial.

  I'll tell you where I do see it. On my chest.  I cannot begin to tell you how much that bothers me.   I've always had good skin. I keep telling myself it's because of my weight and my diet, and that as soon as I get those fixed (which I'm working on), it will get better. Then I try and tell myself it's because I don't eat well, or drink enough water or milk.  So I started taking vitamins and drinking them with milk, and drinking more water. Eventually I suppose I will have to face the facts and embrace the signs of aging. However, at this point, I'm still in an absolute state of denial.

They say that 50 is "over the hill". 35 must be when you crest it, because everything starts to go downhill afterwards, right? Not that I think my life is halfway over. Now, the mission is to get serious about being on top of my health. Getting fit, if not fabulous, and staying that way.  Sometimes the other side of the hill is the lush, tropical resort, right?

Moved

2011-10-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

   Wow. I am a horrible blogger. I really need to fix that. I know I keep saying that. One of these days I might actually work on it. LOL

We moved!   I'm excited. I'm hoping that it gives me the sense of space to allow me to relax more, and therefore be able to write more. It won't happen for a few weeks, I am sure, since I still have tons of unpacking to do.

But, the place we are in now has so much more space! I can walk around without running into everything and / or everyone.   We have a large living room with a woodstove, 2 large bedrooms for the kids, a double sized master bedroom for us, 1 large bathroom (seriously- my old bedroom could fit inside of it), and another 1/4 bathroom (sink and toilet). Little kitchen with eat-in nook, den with another wood stove, a good sized laundry area that also has room for a crafting space, a garage, and an attached studio area that has enough room for Dustin to do his photography, as well as his other hobbies.   All that, and a nice front yard, and a fully fenced back yard complete with play structure, shed, and garden.

It has some quirks. It definitely has the feel of a homeowner who took on remodeling projects themself, and didn't quite know what they were doing.  However, it's all cosmetic things, that are easily fixed or ignored. I'm excited, and have already started the Halloween decorations.

Speaking of Halloween decorations, I was appalled yesterday at the stores who have forgone the Halloween decorations in favor of Christmas stuff. I mean, it is only 3 days into October! Six of the seven stores I went to yesterday had their Halloween stuff shoved haphazardly into a corner, and looked like they had just thrown out whatever stock they had leftover from last year, then had big Christmas sections already up and running. The one store that did NOT do that was a Halloween supply store.. It made me want to vomit.   Don't get me wrong- Christmas is fun, but I LOVE Halloween, and I hate the whole mega-commercialism that Christmas has become. Halloween and Thanksgiving are practically non-existent anymore because retailers are so gun hoe for Christmas sales. It makes me sick.

Ok... /end rant on that subject...

If you haven't seen it already, I started a new blog. I decided to start keeping tabs on all of the recipes I try out. I was having a hard time remembering what I thought of certain recipes, and what, if any, changes I wanted to try on them. Now I have all of that, many complete with photos, in one location to go back through.   You should check it out if you are into recipes and stuff:    Our Taste Tests

Next week I get to go to Spokane. I have to start getting packed and ready for that, I suppose. It's for a conference for work. I'm going to the WALE conference. Should be interesting.

Disappointment

2011-09-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

I must have been a really horrible person in a past life. I'm serious. Life just has this not-so-funny way of punching me in the face. It seems that every time I get excited about something, or when it seems like my luck might finally be turning, Life lands me a karate chop to the throat, and then kicks me in the stomach to boot.

It's getting rather frustrating. It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't even bother trying anymore, because it's never going to happen. I keeping setting myself up for disappointment. I'm just going to be stuck here forever. Nothing's changing anytime soon, so I might as well just accept that and deal with it.

Problem is: I don't know how to deal with it.

/sigh

Letting Go

2011-07-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to let things go. I'm trying to not let things get to me, and just go with the flow. It's hard, though. It's hard to ignore my brain, and the way it's been my entire life. It's hard to try and tell myself "It doesn't matter", when to me, it most certainly does. Things affect me different then they seem to affect most people. People don't see things with the same kind of eyes I do. Their brain doesn't process it the same way mine does. I am very much aware of this, and I try and be normal, like everyone else. I smile and say "it's okay" when inside I'm seething. I've tried to rewire my thinking. I've tried to become all "zen" like everyone says I need to be- I should be. But it's not working. I've been trying for years to be "okay" with things that normal, every-day people are not just "okay" with, but don't even bat an eye at. It's so hard. It's so hard to sit here and not say anything. To just "work through it" so that everything can be kosher. I bite my tongue, and try to just breathe.

I've tried to talk about how things affect me to other people, and I've gotten blank stares, or even worse, the "You are totally over-reacting" stares. Or even words.. lol. I get the "you're overreacting" quite a bit. So, I try and tell myself this, so that I can be okay with things. I try to make myself believe it. But it doesn't seem to work that way. People don't understand the way my mind works, and I can't make them understand how things that seem simple to them, or normal, or 'just how humans are' to them are torturous to me. "Men will be men" "It's just human nature" etc... these flippant sayings bear no meaning to me. I cannot wrap my brain around them, so I cannot understand or accept them.

I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be "normal". I'm trying to be okay with things. I'm tying to "let go". Just know that I'm trying.

An Afternoon at the Lake

2011-07-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

I posted this on my writing site, but thought it was cute enough to share here as well. I decided that I was going to make my kids go to the lake, whether they like it or not! *

I took my kids to the lake today. After spending some time playing with his sister in the water, my son found a group of his friends and wandered off to hang out with them. My daughter lounged on the blanket with me in the sun. I motioned to my notebook, which I had brought with me to write in, and pointed out the entirely blank page. My daughter picked it up and began writing "Blah Blah Blah" on the pages. I was then talking to her about an art project I thought we should try. She picked out words from our discussion and wrote them down. The words were: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, and Glue Gun. I told her she now had to write a story out of those five words, which she readily did. We then spent the next hour or so giving each other a group of words to create a short, paragraph-or-so long story out of. The only rule was that all words had to be used, and we could not alter the word in any way (no pluralization or anything). The following is the result of such hour:

1st- Daughter's

Words: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, Glue Gun

One time a glue gun met a spray paint bottle and they spray painted the door. It didn't dry, so the glue gun did its magical powers and said one word. The word was "Blah", and the door dried.

2nd- Mine

Words: Paint, Crab, Shoe, House

One beautiful, sunny day Rhiannon thought it was too nice to stay in the house. She decided to go take a walk along the seashore. She kicked one shoe off and dug her toes into the sand, then did the same with the other foot. While enjoying the feel of warm sand on her feet, she felt something hard. She looked down and saw an old discarded crab shell. She picked it up and felt the smooth surface. The whole thing was intact and relatively undamaged. She took it home with her to paint and use as a decoration in her tropical themed room.

3rd- Daughter's

Words: Pink, Tired, Bird, Towel, Monkey

One sunny Sunday I went to my pink room and saw a monkey! I grabbed the monkey and went outside. My mom said she made one tire blue. She didn't even notice the monkey I had. We were going to the beach. I got my monkey towel out of the house. When I went outside I saw a blue bird. When we went to the lake it was closed! So we went to Long Lake instead.

4th- Mine

Words: Crush (towards the end of my writing, she informed me it was the brand name of Orange Crush, not the verb), Bag, Car, Phone, Orange

I had always loved the color orange. Everything I had was that color. But, there came a time when I thought maybe it was time to branch out a bit and try new things. When I bought my car, I opted for pink instead. Then I started wearing ruffles and bows, and even blinged out my cell phone! I bought a huge, expensive bag to carry all the stuff I bought in. It was so big it could crush you! I saw myself in the mirror one day, and realized how much I had changed. I ran outside screaming!! I traded my pink car for an orange truck, my blinged out phone for a plain one, my giant bag for a small one, and drank down an Orange Crush! Phew! It's good to be me again!

5th- Daughter's

Words: Dog, Eyeball, Sidewalk, Purple, Flower

One day I got a dog, and the dog's eyeball was purple!! So we walked on the sidewalk to the car to see the doctor. The doctor said that the dog is very special.

"It can turn into anything!"

"Wow!" I said.

"And it can live forever!"

"I love this dog!" I yelled.

Then we went back home and I grew a flower garden.

6th- Daughter's

Words: Sky, Helicopter, Child, Bunny, Elevator

In the sky was a helicopter and a child was stuck on it. I took my huge moving elevator and my flying bunny to rescue the child. I got in it and the elevator went up to the helicopter and the flying bunny flew to us. I told the child to get in and she did. We went down and saved her! Yay!

(Please note that at the end she drew a very cute flying bunny to illustrate her story)

7th- Mine

Words: Bed, Floaty (the little mats people float on in lakes and pools), Shirt, Foot, Purse

Today we went to the lake. My daughter would have probably preferred to stay in bed, but I said "Too bad!" and we went anyway. I grabbed my purse and we all climbed in the car. I stopped for some gas, snacks, and even bought a floaty for each of the kids. My son took off his shirt and sprayed sunblock on. The mist from the spray got on my foot. Then my daughter did the same. Both of them ran to the water and had a great time!

* They wound up having a good time, and reluctantly agreed that it had been better than being closed up in the house all afternoon!

Grr

2011-07-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well, today my boyfriend is off galavanting with pin-up girls and hot rods. I was suppose to be at the lake with my kids, but they've decided they want to waste this gorgeous day sitting inside on the computer. Which, I guess is what I've resorted to now, as well.

It's frustrating. They always complain that they are bored, but every time I try to do something with them, I get balked at. How do other parents do this? How do you get your kids outside and active? I try, but they just stand there, balk, complain, etc... I'm thinking about just making them go anyway, but then I'll drive all the way out there only for them to sit there and whine about how bored they are.

Stand up and Fight?

2011-06-30T07:40:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you feel like you are the only one that is fighting for something? What about when the other side refuses to fight at all? It's not surrender. It's a complete lack of interest. Do you continue to fight when you are pretty positive that the other side could care less?

Is it still worth it if they don't care? How about when they just sit over there and taunt you. Throw your own insecurities in your face and laugh? Belittle you and continue to hurt you?

Are we no longer on the same side?

Does any shred of what I'm fighting for even still exist?

Or should I just give up?

Tech Hospital

2011-06-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

I don't have my laptop, and it is affecting my blogging! My writing, period! There is something to be said for being able to snuggle up into the corner of the couch, with a cup of whatever I'm drinking next to me, a blankie on my feet, and my laptop portable with all of my little twisting and tossing and turning. It just goes along with the flow.

This computer is loud. The positioning of the keyboard and mouse hurt my wrists and neck, and the chair is horribly uncomfortable.

Anyway, I thought I should pop in and write something, because, well, I'm suppose to.

My laptop is in the techy hospital. The screen kept turning blue on me. No- not the blue screen of death, which I discovered exists when I was trying to explain to the gal at the GeekSquad what was happening. I said, "I keep getting a blue screen." Which is exactly what happens. But I guess in the tech language, that refers to a horrible blue screen of death. I hear it's pretty grotesque.

Mine is not that.

The graphics just turn blue while I'm using it. I can still "use" it, it just hurts my eyes and pisses me off, since the thing is barely even 2 months old! Thank goodness for warranties!

So, I took it in. I figured it would be a couple of hours, maybe overnight. That was Tuesday. It is now Thursday evening. The service paperwork we received on it gives a estimated completion time of the 29th. That's 7 more days away!! *cry*

My next big purchase very well might be a new desktop.

Inner Peace

2011-06-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

1. Do you often lose sleep worrying about work?
     I guess that depends on what exactly is considered "worrying about work". I sometimes worry about special projects I have to do, such as the training sessions I'm suppose to put together over the next couple of months. Teaching / training is not in my comfort zone, so I am having a hard time with that one. But usually, my concerns over work- the stuff that makes me lose sleep- is the desire to not be working, the question as to whether I'll ever be able to stay-at-home while my kids are still living at home.

2. When you're with friends, do you find yourself talking about work?
     Sometimes. We all talk about work. Most of us work a lot with the public, so we often have stupid, silly or scary stories about our dealings with them.  I don't necessarily view talking about work as a negative. Perhaps they more meant do I find myself complaining about work, which I don't do very often.

3. Before you've finished one project, are you already thinking about the next one?
    I have about 30 projects that I am wanting to work on, or started to work on, or bought all the stuff to start working on- and none of them are done. What does that tell ya?

4. Do you put your personal life "on hold" in order to tend to business?
    Only if it's stuff specifically for me. I have a hard time doing stuff just for me. Yoga is the closest I have to being selfish for the sake of me.

5. Are you jealous of other people's achievements?
    Yep.

6. When you've achieved a goal or obtained something you've worked hard for, do you take the time to enjoy the accomplishment?
     I will try, but- as mentioned in my previous post- I will immediately start tearing myself down, focusing more on what I have not done instead of what I have.

7. Are you too busy to cultivate a hobby?
    I try to make time for my hobbies, but most of the time I just wind up feeling like a failure at them, so I give up.

8. Do you often work through lunch?
    Hell no. I need to eat!

9. Does success mean being the first to embrace the latest trend, owning the latest model car or gadget, or having more than your neighbors?
    No, not necessarily., though it would be nice to at least be on par...

10. Do you fear that everything you've worked for will be lost if you don't give it your constant attention?
    I don't really feel like I've achieved anything, so I don't really have it to lose. Unless you mean relationships. If that is the case, then yes. I am constantly in concern of my relationships breaking down, or ending. Whether it be relationships with my boyfriend, children, friends or family.

So, the idea for this quiz is that, if you answer "yes" to more than half of these questions, that you don't spend enough time thinking about what will make you truly happy. Since I think there is really only one that I answered no to, I may be in trouble.

Do I know what would make me truly happy?   No. Not even a little. According to this, I need to locate my inner peace. No duh.

So, I am suppose to make a list of all of the activities that give me a sense of peace. Right down to the simplest of activities. Then I am to make it a priority to schedule a couple of these activities into my schedule.

Peace-giving Activities:

1. Playing with my kids.
2. Digging for hidden treasures on the beach.
3. Lying on a grassy field watching clouds.
4. Sunbathing (in the sun, which is virtually non-existent here!)
5. Hiking through the woods.
6. Gardening.
7. Reading.
8. Shopping the thrift stores.
9. Lunch / dinner with friends.
10. Having a clean house.
11. Turning the radio up loud and singing along just as loud.
12. Dancing.
13. Walking on the treadmill.
14. The smell of the air after it rains.
15. Splashing in puddles.
16. Yoga.
17. Candlelight (esp. if they are scented)
18. Taking pictures.
19. Writing (when it flows).
20. The smell of clean sheets.

"Make Peace with Imperfection"

2011-06-20T20:35:00.001-07:00

As part of my “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” workbook, I took the “Make Peace with Imperfection” quiz. After 30 questions analyzing how picky I am, I got the outcome:

“You’re fairly easygoing.”

Ok.

What it didn’t do was break down where my perceived imperfections are. So I looked for myself. Most all of my “10” answers (the bad ones) were dealing with my perceptions of myself.

Duh.

I usually see others and see all of their accomplishments. I envy the way they live, speak, dress, look, parent, etc... I can’t see those things in myself. When I do happen across something good, it is short lived. I usually rip it apart within moments.

I think some part of me doesn’t think I deserve to be happy. I know that part of me thinks that. I feel it rear its head every time I honestly smile. Whenever I am at a point where I am honestly happy, even for a moment, it shows up to knock me down a few rungs. To make me question what it is that I’ve done to think that I should be happy. It shows me all those failures, everything that I haven’t done yet.

So yeah… in viewing others, I am very easygoing. But when it comes to me, I am a horrible critic and enemy. I am working towards changing this. It is hard, though.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

Father's Day is hard for me.   It is a day that comes once a year to remind me that my dad gave up on me. He turned his back on me at the point in my life when I needed my father the most. He chose his alcohol and his girlfriend instead of his own children. He chose to embrace her children, her ideals, her future, instead of ours.

I have given up on any type of reconciliation with my dad. I know it will never happen. The last time I saw him, he sat- bouncing my three-year old son on his lap- and proceeded to tell my husband what a horrible, worthless child I was. I never tried again. He is obviously oblivious to his role in the way I was. He takes absolutely no responsibility for the pain, anger, hurt and betrayal I felt from him. For the way he would talk me down instead of trying to talk me up. For pointing out my weaknesses instead of my strengths. For telling me I would wind up being nothing, instead of telling me I could be whatever I wanted.

He use to do all those things.   He use to be the greatest dad in the world. I loved the crap out of him. He did his best for us. That all changed when he met his now-wife.   I had nothing against him having girlfriends. I had nothing against this one being black. I could care less. I liked him having girlfriends. I liked him having a life. But this one.. from the moment she walked through the doors, it was like a whirl of ice followed her. She looked down on all of us. None of us were worthwhile. She disagreed with my dad's parenting style, although we were all acing all of our classes, and had never once been in trouble with the law. Her children, however, we all either dealing drugs, in jail, or teenage mothers.   But, her parenting style was much more effective and appropriate?

No.. I didn't like her. And she made it very clear that she hated me. Was it because of how much I reminded my dad of my mom? Was I "competition"? I don't know. I do know that one of her sons tried to pimp me out to his friends, to the point where they would come over- money in hand. I was twelve. Another constantly touched me inappropriately, and yet another tried to rape me more than once. I was lucky enough to always have had someone show up to interrupt him before it actually happened. Then he would laugh and tell them he was just kidding. He wasn't kidding.   But, my dad didn't believe me. He told me I was lying- making it up to cause problems. Then he threw me out of the house.

I don't know what happened to him. I don't know how, in one summer, she warped his head so completely. She turned him into a completely different person, and he let her. Well, I guess they are happy now. They have their property out where ever, and he has her children, and grandchildren, to raise.   And I am left sitting here, wondering where my real dad went. Where the guy I used to love more than the earth and skies and everything beyond went. The guy who holds the little girl so tenderly... why did he let go?

Happy Father's Day.

Well Then....

2011-06-15T09:36:00.003-07:00

Sometimes no words speak everything you need to know.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - Exercise 1

2011-06-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to destress myself lately. I've been having a really hard time letting things go and focusing on the positives.   At a previous trip to Barnes and Noble, I bought a "Don't Stress the Small Stuff" workbook.   There is a quiz inside to gauge how much we focus on stressors. I got the "lowest" stress score. The same thing happened on another "stess" quiz I took.

This amazes and scares me at the same time.

It amazes me, because I absolutely cannot get myself to relax, or get my mind to shut off. I also don't feel like I really have a good outlet for venting a lot of this stuff. It's too personal, and I don't want to just make things worse.   So, all this crap bottles up inside of me. Unfortunately, this bottle isn't very strong, and leaks spring up all the time. Usually I can tape it over, or maybe use a little clear nail polish to fill them in.   But, it's not going to hold forever.

It scares me, because if I'm at the "You rarely stess the small stuff" category, then I cannot even fathom what those in the "You let the small stuff get to you too often" go through.

I don't pretend to have huge issues. I know people who have serious illnesses in their family life. I know of homeless people, abused people, people who lose loved ones, etc... and I am not one of those people. I know that I should be more thankful for the things I do have, and I do try. I'm just not very good at it. This just leads me deeper into that stress- that depression- because it makes me feel like a horrible person that I cannot.   I know I need to make changes- in myself, in my lifestyle. Things that might help me find that peace that I want so badly. It is hard to know what changes are a step in the right direction, and what will lead me deeper down.   It's hard to balance what I want with what is finacially feasible.

A week or so ago, I began a bucket list to help me focus on the "big" things I want. However, for this quest, I think I need to be a bit more focused; more detailed.   Get right into the nitty gritty of every aspect of my life and my being, and dig into it. Find what I really want, and what I think I really need, and what I think will help get me there.

What are some memories?

2011-06-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

   My daughter had to do a writing assignment detailing her life from birth to present.   She sat asking me about her past, what we did, special memories, etc...   And I couldn't remember anything. The more I sat and watched her hopeful expression the more like an asshole I felt. Here she was wanting all those cool moments in time, and there was nothing for me to express.

Well, nothing positive. There were plenty of "bad" memories. But no "good" ones. No vacations, no special occasions, and anything else that happened, I couldn't remember. It makes me feel absolutely horrible.

I want to change that, but I just can't afford it.   And now, I have to weigh that with my own desires. I really, REALLY want to be a stay-at-home mom. I always have. This whole working thing was suppose to be temporary. But, it's not looking like it's going to end anytime soon, and that's screwing with my mental health.   However, if I ever want to be able to take my kids on an actual vacation, I can't stop working. I have no idea when Dustin is going to go get a job, and unemployment isn't going to last forever, so I have to make sure I have some kind of stable income coming in.

I want to give my kids those special memories. I want them to be able to point to specific moments and saw "That was amazing!".

Stupid Goals.

2011-06-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that this condition I put upon myself to write every day may have been a mistake. Well, I know it's not a mistake, but it has been proving to be much more frustrating than I had anticipated. I envisioned myself picking up all sorts of random ideas or topics to write about, but when I go to do the deed, my mind is blank. I am sitting in one of those old school desks- the type that have the table that lifts, and is attached to the chair. It's hard and uncomfortable and my tailbone hurts. I stare at that stupid black chalkboard in front of me, but nothing is on it. I can see the powdery white of words long past, erased over and over, but nothing is there now. I do not even see any chalk on the rim. Just the dusty old eraser.

(*Side note: I tried like hell to find a picture to convey what I just wrote, and I could not for the life of me find something that fit... Perhaps an idea for a certain photographer I know.... provided we can find an old desk and chalkboard...)

Grrrr...

I still have not bought my dream journal, and I think I'm about to throttle myself. Dreams are always an easy one to bounce off of. If nothing else, I can use them to write.. just write my dream in as much detail as I can remember. They are fascinating sometimes, and it distresses me to no end that I cannot remember them. Sweet, beautiful butterflies in my broken net. Some mending needs to be done. I keep saying I need to get over my fear of my sewing machine.

I've been thinking a lot about birds lately. How they fly, so free. It's cliche, but I cannot help it. It tugs at my heart, and I've had to turn away lest cry inside (and maybe outside). Then there is the raven that was tearing up the chicken bone left wire-bound to the sign post at the marina.... that was fascinating and disturbing at the same time. Sometimes I identify with that one, too... not necessarily with the food aspect, but with the fierceness of desire, and sense of entitlement, I guess.

Water captures my attention just as the birds do. So, when I sit down at the marina dock, I am pretty much lost in thought- my focus crashing with the waves or flying with the seagulls... They fill me with a deep sense of longing... as if there is something I have lost right there within my grasp.. Sometimes it's with that sense of freedom; a break from responsibilities, duties, expectations.

Where oh where has this blog gone?

I wanted to watch a movie about dragons, but had to write instead. Dang nabbit.

I'm done.

What to Write?

2011-06-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm suppose to be writing every day, and lately I've been having a severe lack of ideas. I think it's because I wait until so late to start thinking about it, so instead of being able to focus on an actual topic, I'm thinking more about still having to take a shower, get leftovers put away, dishes washed, and being able to go to bed in a timely manner ( I heart my sleep!)   I know I need to start doing this earlier. At least on the days that I have the earlier time free. Or, keep a notepad nearby so I can jot down ideas.

I try to have people give me ideas, but more often than not they wind up being way too involved in storyline or thought, and don't fit the need that I need them for.   Sometimes something strikes the right chord in me, and I can pull it off to an acceptable note (like the turtle and penguin story I wrote for Dustin). Other times, it just fills my stomach with dread trying to come up with the scenarios surrounding it. However, I do keep them all filed away in a little box in my head (or document on my computer) for later use, because I never know when suddenly that idea will work!

The other day I got a part of my actual story I'm working on written, and it's even pretty much satisfactory. For now anyway. But I don't read it and hate it, like some other parts. I'm trying not to focus on that at this point though. The goal is to get the story written down, and then I can go back and beef it up. Switch stuff around. Whatever. My biggest concern with this, however, is that some of my goings over have contributed to major changes in story line, and if I have already written it, then it's huge rewrites. I am viewing it as just more experience, though.   That if I hadn't written what I changed, then maybe I never would have thought of the change to begin with.   Whatever keeps me going, I guess.

Like dreams of making it big! Authors are one of those great areas where you can be super rich and have your name be famous, without everyone really knowing what you look like. So I can still go out to eat, go to a movie, shopping, whatever.

Dreams... gotta love them.

Speaking of which, I really do need to go buy myself a notebook and pen to keep by my bed to record my dreams in. Some great ideas have come from my dreams. Well, pretty much every honest story I've started writing (or have ambition for) have come from dreams. In creative writing class in high school, my best stuff came from dreams.   So, I need to be better about keeping track of them. The best part is- the more I keep track of them, the more vivid they become. And the easier to remember all those little details.

Ok, well that's my post for today. Hey, at least I came here and wrote something, eh?

Bucket List

2011-05-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

In my quest for happiness, etc.. blah blah blah, I decided that I should have a bucket list. A to-do list for my life. I like the idea of having a list that I can look at, to help point me along the paths I should be taking. I am in the beginning stages of two separate lists- one that pertains just to things I want to accomplish, and another that pertains to things I'd like to accomplish with the family. I figure this will help me plan vacations, or even just see where I need to work towards. I still need to sit down with the kids and get their wish lists to help add to that list. In any event, for those of you interested, here are my two lists as they've been completed thus far:

Bucket List (Personal)

1. Finish writing Bone & Silver

2. Publish Bone & Silver

3. Write another book

4. Learn how to speak / write Latin

5. Learn how to crochet or knit

6. Take a cruise

7. Visit every state in the U.S.

8. Visit the pyramids in Egypt

9. Visit Rome

10. Visit Australia

11. Learn to salsa dance

12. Stay in a 5-star hotel

13. Go to the beaches on Hawaii

14. See a volcano

15. Learn to spin on the spinning wheel

16. Own my own home

17. Ride a train

18. Lose 40 pounds

19. Keep the weight off!

20. Learn how to sew clothing

21. Become debt free (fix my credit report!)

22. Stay in a haunted house (or hotel)

23. Learn how to and actually make my own liquors

24. Teach myself to write left-handed

25. Learn to drive a stick-shift

26. Be able to do the splits

27. See Stonehenge

28. Go on a safari

29. See a ballet

30. See an opera

31. Get acupuncture

32. Learn to shoot my bow

33. Take singing lessons

34. See the original Mona Lisa

35. Write everyday

36. Work on (and complete!) at least one craft per week

37. Buy a brand new car

38. Take singing lessons

Bucket List (with family)

1. Places to visit:

a) Disneyland

b) Disney world

c) Sea World

d) San Diego Zoo

e) California Redwoods

f) Vegas

g) New York City

h) Statue of Liberty

i) Grand Canyon

j) Yosemite

k) Hawaii

l) Mount Rushmore

2. Go on a picnic

3. Go camping

4. Go geocaching

5. Teach the kids to drive

6. Do science experiments from the books we bought

Do you have a bucket list? I'd love to hear any suggestions, or what you would like to accomplish before you "kick the bucket".

A Post a Day Keeps the Blockage At Bay...

2011-05-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

Maybe not necessarily always a blog post. Once again I have decided that I need to write every day. Before I am allowed to go to bed, no matter how miserable and tired I am, I have to write something- be it a blog post, journaling or part of my story, it has to be something more than just a status update on Facebook. Even if I just go to one of my blogger sites and bitch about how much it's pissing me off that I decided to do this!

Today's topic is not as riveting as me having a temper tantrum. Today's topic is teeth, and the oh-so-dreaded trip to the dentist. You see, I have not been to the dentist in, oh, let's say, ten(ish) years. Recently (recent being over the past few months) my teeth have been really bothering me. A couple weeks ago, my jaw gave out tremendous pain while chewing, to the point where I thought I was going to have to call Dustin home and have him take me to the urgent care. It wound up going away on its own, but my teeth have still been very sensitive, especially while eating. The last time I had been to the dentist, they had warned that I was heading down the path of root canals. So, understandably, I've been terrified of going to have my teeth looked at. I was pretty sure I was in store for a lot of pain being dealt to my mouth, and a lot of money pouring out of my pocket.

My sister recommended I go see a new dentist she had just found. So, I called and made an appointment. It snuck up all ninja-like on me today, and I think I almost had an anxiety attack, although I think I kept my cool pretty well. Dr. Bloomquist took a look at my films, pointing out what she saw. Apparently the joints in my jaw are not the greatest, but neither are they of concern (at least not yet). She said everything on the film looked good. She then proceeded to make me say "Aaaaaahhhhhhhggggghhhhh". She dug around in there, poking with that stupid little pointy metal thing that always reminds me of pottery class (those dental tools rocked in that class! You know, when they aren't poking at my teeth!). And then I got the news....

I have a tiny, intsy bitsy cavity on the back of my very last tooth in the back of my mouth. So small, it hadn't shown up on the film. So small that I had the option of not even doing anything about it and seeing what happened. I opted to get it filled, and that will happen next week (hopefully while under a lot of numbing agents, and I even have the option of some anti-anxiety meds. I'm a pretty big freakin' wuss....). Then, I am in dire need of a cleaning. We decided it will be like power-washing the house.. when you can visibly see the crap coming off.... so that was lovely.

And that's it. After all this pain, suffering, agonizing and terror... I have a small little cavity. She says the pain and sensitivity are probably due to the tartar build-up. I guess they cause pressure on the nerves or something... I forgot to listen after hearing I only had one teensy cavity. I was still in shock.. waiting for the horrible news about having to rip all my teeth out and put in metal pointy replacements (that's totally what I would have gone after if that had been the case... how cool would that be?!).

So, Dr. Bloomquist was awesome, and I am thankful my sister recommended her. And I'm still flabbergasted that I don't have more wrong with me. She told me I have beautiful teeth. I've heard that from all 3 dentists I've ever been to. Guess I got lucky in that department, thank goodness!!

To Rapture, or Not to Rapture

2011-05-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

So, the "Rapture" came and went, with nothing insomuch as a firework to display it. At least not around here. Although, we did have a wedding going on across the street.   I thought that was sweet. Hey, if by some miracle the dude was right, what better place to be, then surrounded by friends and family celebrating love?

In any event, though I did not believe the world was going to fall apart, while the "good" were risen up into Heaven, it did make me stop and think "What if?"   What if it did happen? Where would I stand? If I had to stand before an ultimate judge, where would I go? Now, I do not believe in the Christian God... let me rephrase.. I do not believe that he is "Ultimate". However, I do believe in spiritual powers out there that are higher than anything us mortals could ever wrap our little minds around. Hell, I am certain that the animals have a closer understanding to "God" than we do. Animals, and babies. But I digress... that is another blog post...

My point is that I do think we are "judged", though maybe not in the "This soul gets to go to Heaven and this soul gets to go to Hell" sort of way. But I believe our life is a lesson of choices and actions.. and the next life we embody is a result of those choices. Maybe not completely karmatic, as some believe, but to an extent, I do think so.. So, if the world ended tomorrow... if just my world ended tomorrow... How would I be judged? How would I judge me?

I do not think I am necessarily a bad person, but lately I have not felt like much of a good one, either. As I mentioned in another post, I've become too bitter, too hardened in the heart. I judge others too harshly, too soon. I use to be the great balancer.. the great "there are two sides to every story, if not more" person. I always tried to see from the other person's eyes before making judgements.. but not anymore. I make judgements before I even know the person, sometimes before they even say a word. This fact makes me feel very little and shallow. I've tried to change it, but it's not an easy task. I've been wronged a time or two, and I think those scars are a bit deep. I've had too many take advantage of my trustfulness, of my giving nature, to the point where they've taken it all from me. Now the task is to find it again.. rekindle that flame of good-naturedness and love and trust, and to let it burn bright again. The battle is finding out how to do so...

They say that if you smile at one person, you can change an entire day... and I believe it to be true. I want to start by just smiling more. To take the time to stop and listen again... to the people I love, to those who I've never met who cross my path, to those I work with, and even sometimes just to listen to nothing.. because everything has a voice, and everything has a story to tell. I want to hear them. I want to smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person... I want to be a part of that domino effect. I want my domino effect to be a positive one... not a negative one.

Slowing down.. that's something I need to remember how to do. I need to let myself realize that life will still go on if the dishes sit in the sink and I take the kids to the park instead. That the money is going to be spent, so I should take solace in spending it creating memories instead of flushing it on something we'll never remember even an hour from now.   That I do not have to be perfect... it's okay not to be perfect..

So, Mr. Rapture dude... maybe your calculations were wrong, and you were not lifted on the wings of angels up to Heaven, but maybe you caused others to do the same as me. Maybe you changed the way some think.. caused them to reevaluate what is really important to them. And while the changes in us may not be significant, even one small thing being reworked to a more positive way is a step in the right direction...

FaceBook killed the Blogger Star

2011-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

   I have noticed that since I actually started using Facebook on a regular, daily basis, my blogging has been flushed right down the toilet. I put little thoughts on Facebook, so blogging feels a bit redundant. Everyone who reads this is on my Facebook (at least as far as I know), so you've already heard it!   The stuff that doesn't make it on Facebook, well.. I was taught the whole "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.." idea.   So, yeeeaaahhh......   Then I also have the guilt associated with feeling like if I am in a mood for writing, then it should be focused on my story, and not a stupid blog.

That said, I'm going to whine for awhile. It's fair warning, so you can bolt now and save your ears.

I've turned into such a cynical person. I didn't use to be like this. I use to be a very optimistic, trusting, loving person. I always saw the good in people, and judged off the good, not what I perceived to be the bad. I don't know where that was lost, but somewhere along the way it went a different way. My bread crumbs, maybe... eaten up by the crows.   I want it back. I was much happier when I wasn't so cynical. When everything was beautiful and full of hope, instead of grey and lacking.

I know it's a matter of rewiring my thinking. I need to stop myself when I feel myself thinking negative thoughts. Redirect them to find the positive in the situation, instead. The problem is: I've been trying to do that, but there are some things I just don't see any silver lining in at all. Some use to have some silver, but silver will tarnish if left too long.

I'm also having a hard time with working. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I found a wonderful job with an absolutely fantastic group of people. I didn't think that kind of job existed out there. But I have it. Which makes my not wanting to work make me feel even worse, because I know how lucky I am to have it. I have always been the type of person who preferred the life of a housewife, though. I don't like having to be somewhere at a specific time/etc... I hate when I have to miss the kids' stuff because of work, because I have no more sick time or vacation time. I hate always being sick, and feeling like it's completely stress related. Some of my happiest times were when I got to be a stay-at-home mom/housewife... cooking, cleaning, etc. I know it sounds strange, but I really relish in that. I hate feeling like I have two (three, four) jobs. I have to work all day, then come home and clean (and sometimes cook), be a mom (which I adore), do laundry, etc etc etc. But it stresses me out. When I have down time, I no longer want to get out and do anything, I just want to sink into myself, emerge myself in something mind-numbing (games, no drugs!) and hibernate... hermitize myself.   Then I feel guilty for being unproductive and lazy. When I stayed home, I was way more productive, and much less stressed out about it. I could take a complete day off from housework, etc and just go play, and not feel like a jack-ass. I was a more happy, relaxed person.

Of course, the days when I was a housewife, I could afford it. Well, maybe I should rethink that, too, because my ex-husband made just above minimum-wage, and we were fine. Maybe it's just a matter of rethinking and reevaluating what I deem to be important and necessary in my life.   Where can I pinch and will it really hurt if I do?

Ok.. enough of that off my mind. Next time I will talk about something less whiny! Or I'll at least pass out some cheese and crackers to go with it!

Happy Birthday, Pumpkin!

2011-03-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

Today my Pumpkin turns 14.   Wow.. where does the time go?? The other day I was sifting through some old pictures of the kids when they were younger. Time sure does fly by in an instant, doesn't it? I was reflecting on all the choices I've made as a mother. I wish I could have been smarter about it when he was little. I did a lot of stupid, stupid things. I made some very unwise decisions. But, throughout it all, I must have done okay, because my kid is phenomenal. I wish I could hug him right now, but he's at his dad's. I will see him later for his party today though.

If I had it to do all over again, would I? I definitely wouldn't change when I had him. He came at the perfect time. I do truly believe he saved my life, and I tell him that all of the time. I was on a very bad path, and if he had not have shown up when he did, who knows where I would have landed. I'm pretty certain it wouldn't have been somewhere good. I was able to stop all of that bad stuff the instant I found out I was no longer responsible for just myself anymore. There was a little person in me that I needed to care for. Now it was about that one. Not me.

He was such a wonderful baby. Even though his entry into this world was a bit tremulous. Not for anything wrong with him. He was perfect. But the stupid doctor I had was a moron. No, Pumpkin was an absolute delight. I never had the problems with incessant crying. He slept in my bed until I decided it was time for his toddler bed, which he moved into without a fuss. Then his big boy bed in his own room thrilled him instead of scaring him.   He would get up in the morning, and go quietly turn on the television and stay super quiet to let me sleep in. He was (and still is) such an angel.

Of course, he is a boy, and boys are accident prone. We had the time they had to straight-jacket him to clean globs of dirt out of his eye. The time he almost cut his toe off. The time he was learning to walk, and fell in the emergency room while we were waiting for his grandma and split his head open... Not to mention his belly button, the inch-long wire of bracing wire sticking him in the mouth for three days, and the infamous toe incident.

He is the bestest big brother. He was so thrilled for his baby sister. And he helped me out as much as a three-year-old possibly could with her.

I love you, my ninja Pumpkin! Remember I am always here for you, NO MATTER WHAT! You are reaching that age where everyone says the turbulence comes in. Of course, they said that about you when you were younger, too, and it never happened. I hope our relationship always stays strong and true.   I LOVE YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

New Writing Blog

2011-03-03T15:32:00.000-08:00

I made a new writing blog. It's pretty. Find it here: Thaydra Writes. I'll try to actually keep up with it. We'll see. I make no promises. I mean, look how often I post here! Bwahahahaha! No really.. I'll try. That one is more important!

Manson's Fruit Loop Bowl

2011-02-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

"Who the hell you callin' crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on your front porch"

Things have been crazy around here lately. Pretty much almost literally. That's still yet to be decided. A few Saturdays ago, while walking back down to the ferry after a day at the Pacific Science Center, my son told me that he's been hearing voices ("yes", "no", and his name) for a couple years. Over the previous two days, he'd been hearing screaming. Now, for those of you who do not know us, his paternal grandmother is a paranoid schizophrenic. So, naturally, this news was pretty disturbing. What was more scary, was the thought that it was something other than schizophrenia, because if it was, then what was it? We have more than a couple friends that have been diagnosed with brain tumors and the like, so we know the real possibility of that happening. I think this is what scared us the most.

Doctors visits were made. Trips to Kitsap Mental Health were made. An MRI was done. Blood work was done. Urine tests were done. The first urine test came back positive for opiates. This scared the crap out of my son, as he could not think of anywhere he could have been exposed to something like that. He went in for a second test, which came back clean. We have an appointment tomorrow to go over the results of all the urine, blood and the MRI. The visit with the therapist produced nothing. Not for lack of trying; There is simply nothing they can find that fits his symptoms.

I take this as positive news though. I've talked with a mom whose son produced similar symptoms, and was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder, along with food allergies that they believe caused it. I spoke with another friend who stated he had the exact same symptoms when he was about fifteen, that wound up being stress-induced, and was "cured" by some simple stress-relieving strategies. So, there are things that can cause it, that are not deadly or life-altering. Simple steps can be taken.

The therapist is going to pass his file along to their in-house ARNP to go over. She specializes in mental health and children, along with the medical aspects that can cause symptoms that resemble mental health issues. When we spoke with his regular doctor about the medical rule-out the therapist wanted, his doctor looked blankly at me and asked what kind of tests they wanted.

Blink.

Blink.

Seriously??

So, we might have to search for a new doctor as well, which is sad, since it took me so long to find one. However, if he is asking me what tests he needs to run to search for medical reasons for auditory hallucinations, perhaps he is not the one I want to trust with our physical (and mental) well-being.

Now, add to all this excitement a stroke (a friend), a miscarriage (another friend), friendships that seem to be faultering, neighbors who have become a nuisance (although they haven't been harassing us lately, so that's a relief), etc etc etc, and my own mental health has become questionable (not that it was altogether intact to begin with!).

I'm thinking I might see Manson on my porch with a cereal bowl...

Slacker

2011-02-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I haven't been writing. I did really well for awhile (if 3 days counts as "awhile"), then my brain exploded. Too much stuff happens too quickly. One event is followed by another is followed by another. I got a book on self-improvement. More like self-chill-out. It's a workbook. I figure I should do that.

So many things roll around my head. Then, I try to decide where it's best put down. Then I realize that one can go here, one there, one maybe nowhere. By that time, my desire to write about it has passed, because all I want to do is stop thinking about it.

I'm sick of people getting sick. Strokes, cancer, mental issues. I've had about as much as I can handle. Pretty sure I have some mental issues of my own (and that isn't a joke). More and more kids with stuff wrong with them. It hurts my heart and makes me so angry.

Anyway, I will try to be more productive in the writing department. I think for my own sanity it has become a must. It's working on being a physical need, just like me setting my treadmill back up has been.

Happy Meds

2011-01-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

I think it might be time to call the doctor and look into getting anti-depressents again. It's been a few years since I've been on them, but I know the signs and symptoms, and it feels like they are coming 'round again.

I am just always tired. I have no motivation. I have such a hard time getting myself prepared to go to work. I drag my feet so much! And it's not like I have a crappy job. I have an absolutely wonderful job, with wonderful people. I am so lucky to have it. But, I don't want to go. I want to stay home, clean house, make dinner, etc etc etc. But I can't have that.

I don't feel any desire to read, or write. Those are probably my biggest sign that the depression is settling back in. Things I normally love are no longer of any interest to me.

I've noticed myself burrowing into my hole, not wanting to be social, not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. I have to force myself into it, mostly for the sake of my kids (such as going to Seattle to the Science Center). If not for them, I'd probably have become a hermit by now.

I know these things are not normal. It's not normal for me to sit here and sulk and find fault with everything about myself. It's not healthy.

So, maybe tomorrow I'll make that phone call.

Cold Gin

2011-01-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

I finally found an album I have been trying to remember for years now. I can't find it at Barnes and Noble, which is a bummer, since I have 2 gift cards from there. But just knowing the name of the band is awesome. It's one of those bands I listened to fanatically when I was about 15 years old, if not younger. I traded a family friend. I can't remember what album I gave him for it, but I think it might have been my Cinderella CD (the rock band, not the Disney princess!). I have fond memories of sitting on his couch or my couch (his name was Steve- another person whose last name I wish I remembered so I could find him), singing along to the songs at the top of our lungs, pretending we were rocking out on guitars. I loved that CD, and when I couldn't remember the name of them, it drove me crazy. And there was one song, that I knew was a remake of another popular band's song (turns out it was Kiss), and that is what ultimately led me to them.

That, and the fact that the morning snow has kept everyone away from the library today, and we are super quiet. Perfect for Internet browsing.

This is the album. Frolic Through The Park

Batch Cooking

2011-01-11T08:18:00.000-08:00

*Updated! Gave feedback on each item.

Today I'm going to check one of those items off my list. Today I will spend my day preparing a whole gaggle of food. Mostly premade dinners that I can stick in the freezer, for quick and easy preparation on busy evenings. Also on the menu are some after-school (or work) lunch snacks, and a granola-type bar for help in getting me to start eating in the mornings.

I wish I could remember where I got all of the recipies from, so I can link them. I will give links to the ones I have. If you are interested in any that I don't have a link for, just let me know, and I'll send you the recipie!

The menu consists of:

1. Pizza Bites - These came out alright, but I would make them a bit different if I make them again. I would definately use cubed cheese instead of shredded. I would also cut the squares bigger to make for easier folding. Also, I would add a dab of pizza sauce to each one. Not sure they were worth the effort put into making them though.

2. Cheeseburger bites - ditto the pizza bites.

3. Oatmeal Peanut Butter Trail Bars - these came out pretty good I think. I didn't put in the raisins, since no one here likes them, save Dustin. I might make another batch with raisins in it. Also, they taste like they'd be superb with the cranberries.

4. Mini Turkey Meatloaves - So far these look like they came out great. I got a chance to taste a bit from the pan, and they are yummy. I cooked them, then wrapped them in tin foil, sealed them in a plastic bag, and froze them. Hopefully they reheat well.

5. Spinach Lasagna Rolls - These came out looking delicious. I really cannot wait to see how they come out when I make them!

6. Skinny Italian Spinach Meatballs - These taste like they'd be good with an alfredo sauce. I think next time I'll cut back on the amount of spinach. It was a bit overwhelming. But they were still tasty. I precooked them, then divided them into meal-portioned bags and froze them.

and

7. Spiced Honey Lemon Chicken - Pretty simple. I just whipped this up, divyed it up between a few different bags of chicken, then threw them in the freezer. We'll see how they come out!
If I have enough ingredients left over, I am going to try and make these, as well:

8. Tangy Beef Stroganoff- This one I should have completely read first, as you have to slow cook the beef for 8 hours in a crock pot before putting together. I didn't notice that until 2pm. So, I hope to get this one done Thursday.

9. French Toast Sticks Was going to make this one, then realized that I didn't have an extra bag of bread laying around like I thought I had! Coming soon!

and

10. Chicken Macaroni Bake- This looked and smelled so yummy when making it. Another one I can't wait to try. And it was super easy to make.

I'm thinking it sounds like a crazy day. Hopefully I get through them all, and I am really hoping that they are super tasty, and easy to prepare later on. It's my first time doing anything like this, and I'm hoping that a bit of work today will save me time and money throughout the month. Time, because I won't have to prep, or stand there staring at my pantry and fridge trying to figure out what to make. Money, because it'll cut down on all the going out to eat because I don't feel like making dinner. This way, I can just grab it and throw it in the oven. Done!

I am also wanting to try my hand at making Chicken and White Bean Enchiladas. Again, something I've never made before, but I don't think I'm going to pre-make this one. I've got all the stuff, and I think I might just make it for dinner this week. Maybe Friday, since that's a day I'm not running!

Again, I got most of these recipes from Once A Month Mom. You should go check it out. I am also really digging Gina's Skinny Recipies, where some of these also came from. I'll let you know how the day goes!

What Do I Want?

2011-01-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

So, new year, new list of things to strive towards, right? I try not to set resolutions that are unattainable, or too stressful. Instead, I try and give myself reasonable goals to work towards throughout the year. A check-list to focus my attention and energies towards. This is my goal list for 2011:

1. As always, write more. Utilize TLR for writing prompts and exercises, and Thaydra.com for my story projects. Really dig into my storylines and bring them out. But, on the whole, just write. Even if it's just blogging.

2. Join a dance class. Hopefully with Dustin and some other friends and family. We were recently talking about swing class, which is something I've been interested in learning already. Otherwise, getting back into bellydancing would be great, too.

3. Join the yoga class down the road. At least go drop in on some classes and check it out- see if it's something I want to do.

4. Plan and make meals ahead of time, so that dinner is quick and easy on those busy nights. I've been following Once A Month Mom and have been totally inspired to give this a shot. Especially since she's starting the healthier menu plans as well.

5. Go to the dentist.

Check List

2011-01-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

Time for me to go back and see how I did on my Resolution List last year. I'll put together another list for this year soon, but for now- The Results!

1. Write more. I had this last year, but I want to focus more on my stories, not only on my blog. I don't want to spend less time on my blog- just more on the stories.
I'm working on it, though I wouldn't necessarily call this a success.

2. Learn how to use my sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to make some of those clothes, purses, etc that I have the patterns and fabric for in there! All I need is the know-how!
Yeah, total fail on this one, though I do have someone who knows their stuff on this, and is going to come help me!

3. Continue to cook more at home, and cook healthy meals.
I think I've been doing okay with this one. I could do better, but I have been actually thinking about it in my choices, which is a good start.

4. Learn how to shop efficiently for healthy food and snacks.
Not sure I'd say yes I did to this, but again, I've been more aware in my choices, which helps me grab for the more healthy options, or realize that I am not really hungry, and not grab anything at all!

5. Make it a habit to eat breakfast, and choose (and bring) healthy snacks throughout the day. Yeah, this didn't happen.

6. Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! And not be discouraged if I don't "see" results. Let my body tell me how it's doing, maybe not visually, but internally.
I was actually doing rather well when I had my treadmill up, but since we've moved it's pushed aside until I have room to put it back up. I'm jonzing for it though!

7. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.
We did look, and found one or two new ones that we like, though there really isn't anything right around here. I need to look closer to home.

8. Find some good hiking trails, and use them; get us all out there, breathing in that fresh air!
Last time I went on a hike, I twisted both of my ankles and am lucky I didn't break them. I'll get back to this once I buy some reasonable hiking shoes.

9. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.
Sadly, this didn't get done, and I am kicking myself for it.

10. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever.
I don't know if it's once a month, but I have been getting out more with them, which is awesome.

11. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.
Started to.. mostly beading. I actually did a bunch this year. Not any of the other crafts though, although my daughter really got into crafting this past year... so she uses it, too!

12. Learn how to make more natural, environmentaly friendly products for cleaning, both the house and our bodies.
Haven't started yet, but still really want to. I did make some cleanser, but didn't like how it worked. I did buy one of the books with some great recipes in it, so one step closer!

13. Go see some live music. This shouldn't be as difficult as it's been for me. I know there's live music around here- I am just horrible about finding it.
Yeah, this one didn't work, either. However, I took my son to his first concert. That was pretty awesome!

14. Get the animals to the vet. This is one of those ones that really should have been done last year, but wasn't.
Check.

15. Figure out what is going wrong in my son's Language Arts class, and help him remedy it.
He's not in that class anymore. His teacher was very unresponsive for how much he'd talk. He's doing much better in his new class.

16. Help my daughter understand this math stuff.
I can't say it was me who did it, because I don't understand the stuff myself, but she's doing much better now.

17. Give a garden another shot, but read up on it more instead of just jumping in.
I was going to, but the weather killed it, and I just couldn't keep up on the weeds growing around it. I think I'm about done with the gardening. The flower garden did well, though!

18. Model more for Dustin.
I've done that. I've also backed off and let him have other models, for things I'm not really comfortable with, just because I should.

19. Get the shed cleaned out, gone through, and organized.
Does it count that this was done because we had to move? I say yes. *nod*

20. Get the boxes in my bedroom cleaned out, gone through, and reorganized.
I did do this. Before we moved even!

So, overall I didn't do very well. This year my goal list is going to be shorter, and more thought out. I'm not going to dwell on what I didn't get done, though. Instead I will feel good about what I did accomplish, and continue to work on what I've started, as well as incorporate some more!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho- Off to Work More?

2011-01-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

So, I have a dilemma. Well, a possible dilemma. One of our employees at work just retired, so there is a chance that those hours may be split up between those of us still here. I have the possibilty of being offered 4 more hours a week.

The trouble is, I don't really want those hours. I don't want to work as much as I do! I want to stay home, clean house, cook, do laundry, craft and write! But, it's more hours which means more money in my pocket. Is 8 hours a pay period worth it though?

I guess I will have to wait and see if it even becomes available, and then find out when they'd want them, and what I'd be doing. Off-desk work would be much easier on me than up front. Up front burns me out too fast.

Anyway, that is my first-of-the-year obstacle. Desicions, decisions!

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T08:08:00.000-08:00

Today is New Year's Eve. We don't have anything big planned. New Year's is not really a big deal for me, as I view the start of the new year in Spring. However, we are having a couple of the kids' friends over. Maybe we'll start a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmellows and smores. Pop in a movie or two, play some Playstation and/or Wii games. I prefer the mellow, stay indoors and hang night for New Years. Start the year simple and maybe it will stay that way?

I hope all of you have a grand time tonight, no matter how you choose to spend it. And if it didn't go how you would have chosen, I hope it turned out better than you would have gotten. Stay happy. Stay safe.

Happy Holiday

2010-12-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come and gone. It passed in a flurry this year, mixed within the whirlwind and chaos of moving and unpacking. The Wednesday prior to Christmas Day, Dustin and I drove down to Oregon to visit with his family. I had been scheduled to work until 8pm that evening, and we were dreading having to make that 6-hour drive through the mountain passes during the darkest hours of night. However, I awoke Wednesday to a, let's just say "less-than-agreeable" stomach. Enough so, that I had to call in sick. Dustin was at work when I decided to call out for the day. When I let him know what was going on, he was thrilled. Yes, I said he was thrilled that I was ill. But only because that meant we could leave early. So, I got the kids up and ready, we dropped them off, and headed out.

When we were almost there, we hit a deer. Poor thing. A family of them were right in the middle of the road when we came around the corner. There was ice on the road, and nothing Dustin could do, other than slam us into the hill on the left, or off the ridge on the right. It died quickly, at least. A car that came by shortly afterwards made sure we were aware that in that state, you could keep what you hit. We were pretty sure they were going to claim it for themselves, but it was still there the next day, according to Dustin's sister.

We got to his family's house around 8pm. While I was feeling craptastic, I was still okay enough to be able to hang out and chitchat. The town was a bit on the cold-shoulder side this time around, but we were there for his family, and they were great as always, and that is what counts.

Friday morning we headed home, and made good time. No deer were hit in the driving of this route, but I did get to drive through the passes in the snow. That was nerve-wracking!

We picked the kids up, and we spent Christmas morning at home. Then we made the rounds playing Santa and dropping off gifts to various friends. That afternoon/evening we spent with my family. My kids made out like bandits, as they always do. This coming Saturday (New Years Day) I plan to take them shopping so they can go spend their loot.

Now it's back to reality as usual. I've come to the conclusion that the two most stressful months of the year for me are November and January. November, when it dawns on me that Christmas is just around the corner, and I haven't even thought about shopping yet, and January when it dawns on me just how much money I blew through in December! I suppose I should start setting up a Nov/Jan fund, to relieve some of that stress? LOL

No Longer At This Address

2010-12-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

We've moved! As of the 1st of this month we are renting a new place. You have no idea how excited I am about that, or how dreadfully stressed out I've been during that (and during.. since it's still going on.. kind of). We moved into a place that, square-footage wise, is about as big as where we were. But, the space is more compact, and it is much more cozy. It is right smack downtown.. about a block from where I work. It literally takes me about 2 minutes to walk to work! How cool is that? Both buses (for both of the kids) stop right outside the front door. How cool is that?? It has it's down side, like every place will. There is no yard, so letting the dog out to go potty is an actual walk. There is no parking really, except for out on the street, which is only 4 hour parking during the weekdays. We've already gotten a ticket because neither of us took the car anywhere during that time.. and forgot about the parking time. It is also the detour route when they close the main thoroughway for events. We've also already experienced that. That was interesting.

For the most part though, it is great. Our landlord is a friend and former co-worker of mine. That makes things a bit more comfortable. I am still in the process of unpacking. Due to limited space (the landlord is still currently using the basement, where I had planned on storing most of the unpacked stuff), unpacking is a chore. Trying to figure out where to put everything is turning into one pain in my hiney! I am hoping to get unpacked enough to be able to decorate for Christmas and get our tree this coming weekend. At the rate I've been going, though, I'll be lucky to have it done by New Years!

I will have to get some pictures and post them soon. You can all applaud now!

My Daughter- The Fainting Goat

2010-12-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

Last Monday, the household was jolted by a sudden scare. My daughter, who is currently 10 (and 1/2!) years old, was taking her morning shower. I was in bed, the boys (my boyfriend and 13 year old son) were up, poking around on the computer while waiting to go to school or work. My daughter had just gotten into the shower. She squeaked. Dustin (boyfriend) got up to go check to make sure everything was okay. She doesn't squeak when she is startled or scared. He knocked, asked if all was well, she laughed and said she was fine, he went back to what he was doing.

Then, a few moments later, she started complaining of an upset stomach. Now, mind you, my bedroom is on the other side of the wall from the bathroom- my bedroom door right next to the bathroom door. This complaining caught my attention, because she was actually calling for Dustin's assistance while she was still in the shower . This isn't something she does, even when it's me she is talking to. He went back to the door, she complained it was getting bad, so he opened our bedroom door, stuck his head in to tell me I should go talk to her, I nodded, already pulling the covers off of me. While this exchange was going on though, she started yelling "I see black! All I can see is black!" I jumped up and ran into the bathroom. My 10-year old daughter was blind. 100% blind. Her eyes were vacant and staring, her arms groping around her to stablize herself. I began asking her questions- what was she feeling, seeing, etc.. while trying to move her to me. She was answering me coherantly, at first, but her body went really rigid, and her voice began to trail. I felt like I was trying to move a big doll. It was horrifying. Then, she just fell on me.. still rigid, but not moving.

I screamed for Dustin to come get her. I couldn't hold her, and I didn't want to drop her half in and half out of the shower like that. He came in and grabbed her while I ran and called 911. I was still giving the operator our address when Dustin began yelling that she was back- she was here with us. I relayed as much information to the dispatcher as I could, and then she let me go back to my daughter, since she was awake and "normal".

The fire department soon arrived. By now my daughter was fully dressed, and a bit embarrassed. I had asked her what happened, and she told me it all started pretty stupidly, and she felt it silly and unimportant. Apparently, she had just woken up, groggy, no water, etc... She stepped into the shower, and as her hair slid down her shoulder, that still-half-asleep state of her brain thought it was a spider, and when she looked, that brain thought it was a tarantula sized spider. On her arm. Next to her face. This is what had caused the squeak before it all. It all happened in a split second, and she immediately knew it was her hair. I told her it was not at all stupid, and that it actually relieved me that there was something that could be considered a trigger- that all of this did not just happen out of the blue.

Turns out, it was very important. The fire department and paramedics said they thought it was most likely something called "vasovagal syncope". They referred us to the hospital in Silverdale to make sure. The EMTs were very sweet. They treated my daughter very professionally and made her feel comfortable, which I was worried about, being she was so embarrassed about the spider incident. They explained to her how important it was, and how great it was, that she remembered and told about it, because the sudden severe startlement set off a reaction in her brain that caused her to pass out.

The hospital agreed with their assessement. This article explains it pretty well. I took this straight from About.com. I highlighted the part that particulary pertains to her:

Read article here

"Anyone can have vasovagal syncope given an adequate triggering event, but many people are particularly prone to these episodes, and often with relatively mild triggers. These individuals tend to relate histories of syncope dating back to adolescence, and frequently will describe several different of triggering events. While, as noted, there are scores of possible triggering events for vasovagal syncope, some are quite characteristic and almost always point to vasovagal syncope. Syncope occurring after urinating, defecating, coughing or swallowing, or syncope associated with pain, fright, the sight of blood, or other noxious stimuli, is almost always vasovagal.

In these and other ways, vasovagal syncope tends to be highly situational. It is more likely to occur after a viral illness, after exercise, after a warm shower, or early in the morning – any time that relative dehydration is present, and dilation of the blood vessels in the legs would be more likely to produce a significant drop in blood pressure. Furthermore, vasovagal syncope is often preceded by a few seconds or a few minutes of warning symptoms. Often, these symptoms include lightheadedness, ringing in the ears, visual disturbances, sweating and/or nausea. Because of such “warning symptoms,” people who have had one or two episodes of syncope are frequently able to tell when an event is about to occur. And importantly, if they recognize the warning symptoms, they are able to abort the blackout simply by lying down and elevating the legs. (“Aborting” syncope is not possible with most other forms of syncope.)"

I feel better after reading up on it, though recanting it still makes my stomach roll and my pulse race. My belief is that, because of the highly circumstancial "trigger", this is only a one time thing. I don't think she is going to be one of those people that this happens to frequently, though we do continue to keep an open eye on her at all times, for the meantime. I have an appointment for a follow-up tomorrow, and I am expecting a clear bill of health.

We're in for Stormy Weather

2010-11-17T15:19:00.000-08:00

We've had a couple of wind storms the past few days. I love windstorms. Not just breezy weather, but the slamming the doors and knocking down tree limbs wind storms. There is just something so exhilerating about them. It's like Nature's broom. Just getting rid of all the debris (well, metaphorically speaking, since, there is usually more debris out there once it's over!). I especially love it when there is a rain storm that comes along with the winds. The buddy system is a wonderful thing, you know. Even more so when you come in to wash clean the earth.

Outside just smells so much better during and after the storm. That deep, earthy watery smell. So organic (can't get much more organic, can ya?). And the feel in the air is electric. Foreboding and exciting all at the same time. Premonitory, but fascinating. There is nothing quite so nice as curling up with a good book on the couch, wrapped in a nice, warm blanket, and listening to the wind howl and the rain pound the rooftops and windows outside. Particullarly if you have a cup of hot tea or cocoa on the table beside you.

On a seperate note, I think my boyfriend is coming down with the flu. Just when he got called back to work at Nuprecon, too. Horrible timing, though he's gone anyway. Except for today. He wasn't scheduled for today. Good thing, because I really think he needs to stay home, relax, and eat something other than chips and dip!!

I wonder if this means the kids and I are going to get sick as well. Probably. Oh joy. Right in time for moving. Maybe we'll get lucky and it won't see us...

Here and Now

2010-11-14T10:04:00.001-08:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. Naughty me. It's not for lack of content. Just lack of content that I feel is suitable for this blog. I am trying to keep this one as negativity-free as I can. I have other blogs for that crap. I don't want everyone to get the impression that I am this overly-sensitive, negative, pessimistic, end-of-the-world-oh-woe-is-me person. Okay, maybe I am, but at least here I can fake that I'm not. A little.

In all honesty, I think I need to have a place where I focus on the POSITIVE things in my life. I have the space for purging myself of all that I hate and find wrong with humanity and existence in general. Here, I want to start keeping the focus on what is right and gorgeous and makes life worth living. Here I want to be able to remember that there is so much beauty, and honesty, and all that gushy-romantic stuff in this world. So, we'll focus on that.

So, let's get to it. There have been some wondrous things happening. To start with, I notice I have a couple more followers of this blog. I don't know how that happened, but there you are. Thanks for thinking I'm worth listening to!

Okay, the exciting news for those of you who don't already know- I'm moving!

Finally. And it's all rushy rushy hurry hurry. A little overwhelming, but in a good way. A former coworker of mine is renting his house out while he moves onward and forward into bigger and better things. So, I jumped at the chance. It's in the perfect location. Right downtown. I can walk to work. The kids' bus stop is right out front. In fact, it is the same bus stop my son uses when he comes to the library after school instead of home. Now, the kids will be in town, where they can walk to their friend's houses, walk to and from the library as they want, near the park, etc. etc. It is also in a walker-friendly area, so I can start going on walks around town, and actually have sidewalks to walk on. Oh, and it's downtown (did I mention it's downtown?), so I can just mosey on down to the shops and such when I am bored.

It only has one bathroom, which will be a change. That will be the hardest thing to get use to, I think. But, we will manage. All of the perks totally out way the issue of waiting in line for the potty.

The whirlwindedness of it all is that my buddy won't be moved out until Thanksgiving weekend, and we have to be completely and totally out of our current place by December 1st. That includes that final clean-up. We have gotten a storage unit to use to move all of the non-essentials into in the meantime. I've spent the past week or so packing, and we've started moving those boxes into that unit. Then, when we are able, we can spend the day moving all of our need-it-now items (bed, food, toilet paper and some clothes) over to the new place (don't forget computers, tv and couch!). Then, once the old place is clean, I can begin moving all of the items from storage at my own pace, and not stress as much.

Pretty cool, eh? I'm thinking so.

So, that's my news for now. It's been so long, that I don't remember what all has happened since I last wrote. And I don't feel like going back over the timeline at this exact moment. Maybe later. I do need to start making more time for blogging. It's good for the soul.

The Mountain Won!

2010-10-04T15:41:00.001-07:00

It's been an interesting week. Last Saturday I went on a hike with my daughter and her class. She is in a intermediate-mixed age (IMA) class. In other words, it's a 4th and 5th grade mix. There are about 60ish students in her class, as well as 2 teachers. The 4th graders will have the same class next year as 5th graders. This year, my daughter is one of the 5th graders. They make certain 5th graders "leaders" of groups. "Leaders" are composed of students who have shown skills throughout their 4th grade year. In celebration and honor of being chosen leader, the teachers took all of the leaders and their parents on a hike. I was thinking it would be a relatively easy hike, considering they were taking a bunch of 10-year olds. I was sorely mistaken (no pun intended... read on). They chose Mt. Townsend (see some info here: http://www.wta.org/go-hiking/hikes/mount-townsend ). This is an 8-mile round trip trail going up the side of the mountain in the Olympics. It is much steeper than I anticipated. I did not make it to the top. I got about half a mile (they said roughly 7 minutes) from the summit, when my left calf decide to have painful spasms on me, and would not stop. The view from where I was left was still stunning, though. Seattle looked so unbelievably tiny. It reminded me of a little Leggo town. My daughter was able to make it to the summit with the rest of the trail-headers, and they got to have lunch up there. It was horribly windy, though, and the wind was bitterly cold.

The killer, though, was the walk down. Had I had any sense in my head, I would have had second thoughts about the shoes I wore. Seeing as I have no other pair of shoes, save heeled boots and high heels, the shoes I wore were not something I stopped to consider, much to the disadvantage of my poor ankles. I have a pair of those Sketchers Shape-Ups. They were fine going up (but may have accounted for my failure to reach the top), but on the way down... a whole other ballgame. Think about it: These shoes are designed to throw you off balance. That's how they work. Add to that a steep incline, legs that are already wobbley from the climb up, and it was a recipie for disaster. I twisted first my left foot under me, resulting in a faceplant. Then a little bit later, I twisted my right foot under me, resulting in yet another almost faceplant, which was stopped by a big tree. By now, my walking is pretty dire. I twisted them really good. I twisted the right one yet again further down. It scared the poop out of my daughter. (Thankfully, not literally, although I did have the foresight to bring toilet paper, which was a hit with some of the other hikers!) My daughter's teacher found me a big fallen tree branch, which I was able to use as a walking stick / crutch for the rest of the way down (which was approximately a mile). I made it, painfully. But, I got down without having to be carried.

The whole thing left me feeling pretty down about myself though. I was the one who held up the teacher on the way up. Then, it was me who held them up on the way down. I felt fat, and worthless. I felt like a burden, and that everyone was wondering what I was even doing there. Hell, I was wondering what I was doing there. It took every ounce of willpower not to let myself cry while making it down that mountain. I didn't want my daughter to see it. Not how much pain I was really in, physically or mentally.

I had to take Monday off of work, because I couldn't walk. Tuesday and Wednesday I was able to come in, but both days saw me in some serious pain by the time I got home. It's now to the point where it's almost healed. It feels now like I spent 10 hours walking on concrete in high heels. That dull, achy feeling in my feet. And I'm still sporting the bruises on the insides of my feet.

This past week I've also been having to get my house organized and cleaned up. My birthday is on Wednesday, so we're having my birthday party this next Saturday. When looking at the guest list, we have a potential 50-60 people coming over, and it's suppose to be wet outside, so it will all be indoors! Wowza! So, I've been rearranging, cleaning, organizing, cleaning, etc. All while trying to work around not having a stove. Which reminds me, I need to remind everyone not to bring food that needs the stove.. because I don't have one.

So, that's been my week. There's been more, but I can't think of it at the moment.

World Habitat Day

2010-10-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

I took the following from the Habitat for Humanity website. I thought it a great idea, and a worthy cause to keep in mind.

The United Nations has designated the first Monday in October as annual World Habitat Day. World Habitat Day 2010 will be held on October 4.

The purpose
World Habitat Day’s purpose is to call attention to the current global state of the human habitat and push toward adequate housing for all.

We hope that by raising awareness and advocating for universal decent housing we can dismantle and alter the systems that reinforce and entrench poverty housing. In doing so, we can make an affordable, decent place to live a reality for all.

World Habitat Day is a day for grassroots action and a day for people to be united in their efforts to eradicate poverty housing.

Get involved Oct. 4–9, 2010
Habitat for Humanity organizations around the world, in partnership with others, plan World Habitat Day events focused on education, advocacy and fundraising. This year, the focus issues for these efforts are health and housing internationally and neighborhood revitalization in the United States.

The 27th Carter Work Project will spearhead World Habitat Day events in six U.S. cities Oct. 3–8. Volunteers will join in building and rehabilitating houses with Habitat homeowner families, former President Carter and Mrs. Carter and other celebrities.

This year, the Carter Work Project will be held in Washington, D.C.; Baltimore and Annapolis, Maryland; Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota; and Birmingham, Alabama.

To learn more- go to thier website at: http://www.habitat.org/gov/take_action/world_habitat_day.aspx

Insert Witty Title Name Here

2010-09-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

The bills for my mole removal have been arriving in the mail. It's now sitting at about $500. That is only for two of them. If you know me, you know that I have about eleventy-billion moles on my body. Each one of them suceptible to becoming precancerous. I hope no more of them show signs. I can't afford it. I mean, I'm grateful those two were caught and removed, because they did come back showing signs of progression into cancer, but man- at $250 a pop (and that's with insurance), I just can't do it.

On a lighter note, my son had another karate tournament last weekend. This time, he was bumped up into the next section- put in with boys of colored belts, ages 13 to 15. My son is 13, so now he is at the bottom of the age pool. Also, these are kids from schools who are pretty into kicking butt. I was scared. Like- really scared. Oh- they also put him in the "advanced" section.. did I happen to mention that? Out of 12 kids- he got 4th place in sparring! Isn't that freakin' awesomesauce?? And, he only took one kick (the first) to his chest, that knocked him out of breath. After that, he was just fine. He can definitely show off that medal with pride! Oh, and his dad made it to that tournament, so I think that really made him feel good, too.

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like, but I have been writing. Little moments of 15 minutes, 30 minutes, my hour long lunch. But I figure if I keep at it, eventually I'll hit that groove again, and those 15 minutes will turn into 3 hours! It's mucking through this awkward part.. I just need to get through this!

My stove is officially busted. Officially busted beyond our ability to repair. Apparently the mouse decided that stove wiring was a tasty treat. Now we have exposed wires, that we are relatively certain water got into. Nice, eh? So now we have to contact the landlord and have him come out. It sucks. I hate dealing with the landlord. But, I really, really want my kitchen back, and most definitly my stove! I never realized how much I depend on it, until I didn't have it. I've been experiencing a lot of that lately. Maybe it's trying to help me be happy for what I have? Who knows. I just know I want to reclaim my kitchen!

I got to take a First Aide/ CPR class yesterday. It was fun. I learned stuff I didn't learn last time, and now I'm all certifiable and stuff. It had some gorey pictures, which was fun watching every one squirm and try not to loose thier lunches. And, it was relieving to find that I had no problem with performing CPR correctly on infants and children. It was interesting to note that I had a rather difficult time on adults, though. So, something to keep in mind. Don't require CPR around me. I'll fail! Unless you are small.

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month!

2010-09-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Presidential Proclamation--Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

Remember the children! September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month! Spread the word, take a moment to read some info (links on the right), and lets beat this thing!

- - - - - - -

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

Each year, thousands of children face the battle against cancer with inspiring hope and incredible bravery. When a child is diagnosed with cancer, an entire family and community are affected. The devotion of parents, grandparents, loved ones, and friends creates a treasured network of support for these courageous children. During National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, we honor the young lives taken too soon and the survivors who face chronic health challenges, we celebrate the progress made in treatment and recovery, and we rededicate ourselves to fighting this disease so all children may have the chance to live a full and healthy life.

While survival rates for many childhood cancers have risen sharply over the past few decades, cancer is still the leading cause of death by disease for young Americans between infancy and age 15. Too many families have been touched by cancer and its consequences, and we must work together to control, and ultimately defeat, this destructive disease. I invite all Americans to visit Cancer.gov for more information and resources about the symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment of childhood cancers.

Tragically, the causes of cancer in children are largely unknown. Until these illnesses can be cured, my Administration will continue to support investments in research and treatment. The National Cancer Institute, the Federal Government's principal agency for cancer research, is supporting national and international studies examining the risk factors and possible causes of childhood cancers.

The health reforms included in the landmark Affordable Care Act advance critical protections for individuals facing cancer. Provisions in the law prohibit insurance companies from limiting or denying coverage to individuals participating in clinical trials, the cornerstone of cancer research. After recovering from cancer, children can no longer be denied insurance coverage due to a pre-existing condition. It also requires all new plans to provide preventive services without charging copayments, deductibles, or coinsurance, increasing access to regular checkups that can help detect and treat childhood cancers earlier. The Affordable Care Act eliminates annual and lifetime caps on insurance coverage and prohibits companies from dropping coverage if someone gets sick, giving patients and families the peace of mind that their insurance will cover the procedures their doctors recommend.

This month, we pay tribute to the health-care professionals, researchers, private philanthropies, social support organizations, and parent advocacy groups who work together to provide hope and help to families and find cures for childhood cancers. Together, we will carry on their work toward a future in which cancer no longer threatens the lives of our Nation's children.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim September 2010 as National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I also encourage all Americans to join me in recognizing and reaffirming our commitment to fighting childhood cancer.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this
tenth day of September, in the year of our Lord two thousand ten, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.

BARACK OBAMA

Scheduling the Job

2010-09-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

As the kids begin their adventures back to yet another school year, I have decided that it's time to give myself some scheduled discipline as well. I have always heard that writers should schedule blocks of time devoted just to writing. Somewhat akin to a job schedule. This is my "other" job, and it needs to have dedicated time just for it. I have to write. Regardless of what spews forth, or where I spew it at, as long as I'm writing, it's okay.

Since the kids go to bed at 9pm (and I may increase it to 10pm if they get up easy enough in the mornings) I am officially making my writing time from 10pm until 12am. Tonight, that writing is going here. Eventually I want to move it to my story, but that task is a bit daunting right now, and I am honestly not in the mind frame for it.

I've noticed as Summer slips the torch onto Autumn, that my mood becomes quite internal and reflective. I have issues about / with myself that I someday hope to come to terms with, figure out, resolve, and whatnot. I have here and other blogs to help purge that from my system as well. My son's Language Arts teacher is requiring them to keep some type of journal this year. I am thinking it might be prudent for me to do the same. I won't be able to sort through most of this junk if I just keep letting it pile and don't honestly take time to decipher it.

I'm also toying with the idea of keeping a dream journal again. I did that in the past, and found it very rewarding. Not to mention, pretty much every story I've ever written, or have waiting to be written, has it's seed come from a dream. I find it fascinating to go back over the dreams, try and figure them out, decipher their hidden meanings. I found one of my old dream journals from when I was a teenager a while back. It was awesome to be able to go through, and remember dreams from way back then. I had told the idea to my daughter, who thought I meant a What-I-Want-Out-Of-Life type dream journal. I think that would be a neat idea to try and keep, too. Especially the kids at this age. Something to look back on, and see what all was accomplished, how dreams and desires grow and change, etc... So, I may have to buy stock in the composition book industry here soon!

As for more easier, if more physically daunting tasks, I have a few around-the-house items I need to attend to. Autumn cleaning, if you will. I need to organize the crafting area. Since my daughter has gotten involved in crafting, that area has just exploded! Which, is great, but it makes it difficult to find stuff. We need to put some sort of system in place so we can see what we have, know where it is, and be able to see when we need more!
I also want to completely clean out the carport and porch area. That has almost gotten to the point of physical need at this point. It makes coming home not-so-pleasant. The first thing I see is junk, disorder, yuck. That needs to change. The same goes for the front yard, though that is not quite as bad.

I really want to just go through and give each room of the house a complete overhaul. It seems like a crazy idea. But, I think it will do good to just take a room, pull everything completely out of it, and then put it back in. It will help with the decluttering, which is something I desperately need to do, both around the house and within myself!

American Carnage!

2010-09-05T10:24:00.001-07:00

Friday Dustin and I went to see Testament, Megadeth and Slayer at the WaMu Theater. That was so freakin' fun!!! We stood in line for a couple hours to get in, and marveled at how many young people were there! I've been following Slayer for over 20 years now, and there were many kids who weren't even that old there! There were quite a few parent/child combos, which I thought was absolutely fantastic. Once inside, I bought a $10 screwdriver (the drink, not the tool), then watched a hell of a good show. This being Dustin's first real main-stream concert, he had to participate in the front of the crowd, bar gut mayhem. He survived through Testament's, barely made it out of Megadeth's, and I advised him to not even attempt Slayer's, which he wisely agreed to.

All three bands put on spectacular shows. Testament was more vocal, as in, they talked more, riling the crowd up with mosh pits and the Wall of Death. Megadeth came out and thrashed the place, and then Slayer ended it with their overdose of awesome as they always do. I was beyond thrilled. I think I could have died and gone to heaven after they played Dead Skin Mask (which is my favorite Slayer song). Okay, considering where I was... maybe not Heaven, but it would have been a gloriously happy death nonetheless.

Yesterday, we were surprisingly not overly sore, as I was expecting to be. We were sore, but not stay-in-bed-all-day-because-I-can't-move sore. We instead went to a friend's birthday BBQ, and sat there all day. We finally left around 11pm. It was fun, and a lot of yummy food.

Today, we're going over to the Blackberry Festival in Bremerton. Tons of vendors with all sorts of different wares for eye-candy (and perhaps purchasing) pleasure. Then another birthday party, but this for a much younger sort. More fun times.

Tomorrow is Monday, Labor Day, and I don't have to work. So, I get to go hit up the Goodwill's $1.29 stuff, not to mention whatever other sales they have going on for the holiday. Who knows when I'll get another available Monday for this, so I'm definitely not missing it!

My weekend has been incredible so far. Love it!

What's Up?

2010-08-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week. I was sick Tuesday through Thursday with some weird headachy-stomach thing. I noticed the headache as I was driving home from work Monday evening. By Tuesday, it had gotten pretty bad, and then on the drive to work that morning, my stomach decided to do jumping jacks. I wound up having to leave work early and go home. I slept most of that day, then that evening, since sleep seemed to have made it worse, Dustin took me out to eat and walk a bit. That may sound counter-productive, but in my case it usually helps, and it did. Wednesday I only had to work a half-day, since I had worked at the Back To School Celebration the previous Saturday. It was the longest 4&1/2 hours I've ever worked. My head was pounding, and at one point I almost threw up right into the book bin. Thursday morning I thought I was going to be okay as I headed out to my meeting, but by the time I got home, my head and tummy were back at blows, each vieing to be the King Yukinator. By the time I went to bed I was near tears from pain and just plain sick of feeling ill.

Then Friday we went to the Kitsap County Fair.

That was actually quite nice. My stomach and head cooperated and in return I stayed mostly away from the fair food and rides. I went ballistic in the goat area. I love those little creatures! I think I embarrassed my kids by my outpouring of uncontrollable cute overload, squealing at each little adorable animal. My own animals (aka children) stayed on the other side of the building and avoided eye contact.

The same thing happened with the bunnies.

I totally want goats and bunnies now.

I think I could actually get away with goats, but I'm pretty sure my cat would think he had been such a good boy for killing all the mice that we brought him home a tasty treat as a reward.

In other news, my daughter has really gotten into crafting lately. She picked up a book that had a felted bag in it that she made. Her bag blew the book's bag away. Her's was so much cooler, and I'm not just saying that because I'm mom. It really did. So, now I'm making a Halloween one, and she is on a crafting kick. It's awesome. Like Dustin, my boyfriend, said: "Now we're trying to kick her off the crafting books at 11pm to get her to go to bed instead of kicking her off the computer." It makes it a lot harder to enforce! She's spent about $40 of her own dollars on crafting supplies. It rocks socks that maybe one day she'll make!

Saturday we went out and did some family photos at the park. I think they turned out great. We still need to go down and do some at the studio, but so far I think I picked out about 6 or 7 from the park that I want printed. My kids are such little models sometimes! Most of the time they just run amuck. That's what kids do. =)

Maybe I'll post one on here!

Then the boys went to a movie while my daughter and I went (guess, guess) CRAFT shopping. Bet you couldn't guess. Dinner with friends, those friends giving us a bunch of books, going home...

Sunday I went and kept a gal-pal company for awhile, then home to work on my Halloween bag, housework, laundry, dinner and hanging out with the kids.

So, my week started off crappy but ended quite nicely.

Anyway... that's what's up.

2010-08-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

There was a lady I saw today, that I just have to incorperate into my story. Of course, she probably won't appreciate her role, if she ever read it, but then again, maybe she would find the humor in it.

She had to have been 70 or 80 years old. She wore a beautiful gossamer-type skirt, all black and flowing. Something I would think to see in a ballroom type dance. She had on black tights, with a hint of shimmer, and some black sandals. Then, she had on a raggedy blue t-shirt. Her hair was buzzed short, white. Her nose was elongated and wide. Her mouth, lips thin and pursed, were drawn down into a sort of sneer. Her blue eyes were piercing and wide. I can imagine her with feathers pinned into her hair.

I want to make her one of the gals in the sanitarium where one of my main characters lives. A true, bona fide nutcase. But a fun one. She would be a fun one.

All in Time

2010-08-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

So, I've been looking at my blog, realizing that I've been very naughty about upkeep on it. I haven't posted in ages, even with stuff going on. It's hard to motivate myself to blog, when I can't even motivate myself to write!

Some things that have happened in my absence:

*My best friend and her son came up to visit from California! I've known her since I was 15 years old. That was a LOOOONNNGGG time ago! Okay, maybe not that long, but it sometimes feels like it. We went and visited a place called Wolf Haven. It was very cool. If you are in the area, it's worth a looksie. We did the whole Pike's Place Market in Seattle, and took the Monorail to the Seattle Center. But, other than that, we didn't do a whole lot. It was nice to just hang out and catch up and see what a great guy my godson has grown into!

*I finally got myself to the doctor. I found a new one who seems to be working out pretty well so far. While doing my normal checkup, he discovered a couple of moles he really didn't like the look of, so he had me schedule another appointment to come back and get them biopsied. It's a good thing I did, because both showed what they called "Neoplasm of uncertain behavior: skin". What they told me was that basically both moles came back showing signs of developing into cancer, so it's a damn good thing we removed them. Now I get to become OCD about checking my moles to make sure they aren't growing, or changing color, or whatnot. Fun times, eh?

* I think I need to go back to the doctor. The incision on my butt isn't doing too well. It's causing pain and problems. It's being a pain in the butt! (yuck yuck yuck). I don't want to go back, despite Dustin's insistence that I do. I'm being stubborn. I love that I found a new doctor that I like, but 3 times in one month already is enough!

*The weather is finally gorgeous here. I've been spending as much time as possible at the lake. The kids like it, I like it, and I even got some writing done due to it! Not nearly as much as I'd like to, but any amount is good mojo for me!

*My son entered another karate tournament, and came out 3rd in his katas and 1st in sparring for his division! I was so proud. And rather loud, judging by the judges dirty looks. I didn't care though. I was excited!

*That's all I can think of. I'll leave it at that for now, save this in a draft, and see if anything pops into my head in the next few little while.

Inadequate

2010-06-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just feel so unbelievably inadequate, no matter how hard I try to change it. Everything I do just seems to get screwed up in one fashion or another. Or it's not good enough.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I can get a new doctor that I actually feel comfortable talking to. Think I might look into mental health, as well. Check out what all my insurance will cover.

Random

2010-06-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about cutting my hair. It's long, and it's heavy. But, it's also a big part of me. It's one of the things people immediately recognize and associate with me. I'm not talking about going and getting a trim. No, I'm thinking a few inches. That's right. I said few. As in, multiple. Like, to my armpits. I'll call it my armpit hair. It will make me giggle. We all know all is right with the world if I'm giggling. That, or it's about to all go to hell. Take your pick.

Today, I was sitting at the table in the staff room eating my lunch, when I noticed a van very slowly and carefully easing its way into one of the parking spots in the staff parking lot. This usually makes me fume, and I find it deliciously funny when they get parked behind, and then have to wait while the staff member who parked behind them gets a chance to run and get their keys so they can move. Today, however, after the young lady got out of the driver's seat and ran to the front of the building, I noticed someone still in the van. As I was reading something rather not-the-best-while-you're-eating, my mind was prone to wandering. I leaned forward to glare at this person in our highly-coveted parking spot, and noticed a great big "STUDENT DRIVER" sign plastered on the back of the van. The person in the passenger seat was her driving instructor. Way to go, Teach. Learn em' to park where they should and very well could get ticketed!

As for that book I was reading in above-mentioned scenario, I am starting to think there is something dreadfully wrong with me and my brain, when it comes to reading material. Especially since most reading material is read either A: while I'm eating, or B: right before I go to bed. I am drawn towards the outrageous and macabre, and always get to those real "juicy" spots right when I'm taking a bite. Right now, I'm reading "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers" by Mary Roach. It's, naturally, about dead bodies, and all the scientific stuff that's done to them. I just happened to be on the chapter about how, in great and food-descriptive detail, bodies decompose. It was awesome.

My big toe is driving me crazy. I think I have athlete's foot on it. It burns and hurts when I wear shoes. Just there on my poor big toe. Right up on top. I mean, I think it's there between the Big Toe and the Pointer Toe in that.. webbing there. But, that doesn't bother me so it doesn't really count. So, yeah. Just throwing that out there, because it's irritating me right now.

I just had a lady come in and get almost naggy irritated that we told her husband he could not check out books on her account because he was not an authorized user. "Well, we've always got them for the kids before...". I politely mentioned that on kid accounts, usually the parent is listed on there. For the adult cards, we can't just let any Joe off the street come in and say "I want to use So-and-So's account." Could you imagine? She finally was like.. "Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense." At least she got it. Sometimes they just go on being huffy.

My car blew up. But, then I found out just the water pump went out, and that doesn't sound nearly as fantastic and dramatic. However, it's a hell of a lot cheaper to fix. So, hopefully that happens this weekend. My best friend from California and her son are coming up next week, and I think it would be most fabulous if I did not have to have her rent a car while she's here.

Speaking of her coming up, I'm totally stoked. I don't know what all we're going to do, but I don't care. I can't wait to see her. It's been like... eleventy billion years or something close to that, since I've seen her. *Happy Dance*

Ok, I'm going to leave on the dancing note, because random sporatic dancing is just plain fun.

Not That Early!

2010-05-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

So, I've been wanting to start getting up earlier. I want to go back to needing less sleep- be once again one of those "late to bed, early to rise" people like I was. Stupid aging.
I digress.
Anyway... what I did not have in mind was waking at 3:30 this morning! *slap forehead*

I'm tired. I thought I was going to be sick by the time I left the house at 8:30am. By my break at 12:15, I was tired, but okay. Now, I'm doing much better than I anticipated. I'm curious as to whether that will all break down the moment I walk through the door at home, though. Bummer is, I can't go to sleep when I get home. Slacker me hasn't been on the treadmill since I don't remember, and no exercise since the Friday before this past one (so the 14th?). Bad, bad me. And I had vowed "no excuses" tonight. American Idol is on, so I have something to watch. Kids are gone, so I don't have that distraction. So... NO EXCUSES! Which means I need to drag my tired butt onto that treadmill for at least 30 minutes tonight.

Hey... I'll sleep good tonight, eh?

Walking the Long Road

2010-05-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

Thursday and Friday were absolutely beautiful days. The sun was up high, bright and wonderful. I love days like that- where the colors of the world are so crisp and clean. Sometimes, especially if looking at the skyline, I have to stop and marvel at how fake it looks. My daughter and I have both spoken about how many of the clouds look painted on, the shading behind seeming to pop them out from the backdrop. Or perhaps just paper cutouts, glued to an existing background. Gorgeous. It often absolutely takes my breath away.

Due to this grandiose beauty, I decided this past Thursday to make the 3-mile stroll up and down the hilly road to my daughter's school to pick her up. That morning, she had said she wanted to walk home with me, so I was expectant of a 6-mile round trip. Well, she had begun to feel ill, so we walked the half-mile or so up to the grocery store, bought her some allergy, sore throat, cough medicine, then had Dustin come pick us up and bring us home. Friday, I decided to make the trip again. This after I had spent the morning mowing our uneven, overgrown lawn. On the up slopes, I was pretty certain that my ankles were going to pop out of my shins. It was dreadfully painful. I made it, though. This time, however, there was no notion that she wanted to walk home. Dustin met us there, and drove us home.

Yesterday, Saturday, I could tell my body wasn't completely happy with all the exercise I had put it through over the course of the past couple days. Yet, I still drug myself through some chores, out to a BBQ at the park, up and down the mall doing some light shopping. We tried to go to Costco, but alas, they had already closed for the evening. I was unaware they closed so early on Saturdays! All the pain aside, though, I feel good about it. I pushed myself and got that exercise in there. I spent time outside marveling at the gorgeous world about me while I did it. I got some fresh air. And I have the self-satisfaction of accomplishing something.

I've decided that I want to make those two days of walking to the school part of my weekly repertoire. I think I may need to get myself a better pair of walking shoes, but it is such a nice walk, it only takes an hour of my time, and does so much for how I feel about myself.. it is more than worth it. Let's just hope the weather keeps in my favor!

The Scales of Motivation!!

2010-04-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

You've all heard me moan and complain about my weight. Today, I stepped on the scale and groaned inwardly (okay.. maybe a bit (lot) outwardly as well) at the number it finally stopped at. I berated myself and felt like crap, until I realized (by a handy post-it I put on my desktop to keep myself motivated- it was my largest weight as yet) that I've lost 15 pounds in the last month or so. That, was enough to completely turn those grunts of protests into squeals of glee.

One day, a month or so ago, I stepped on the scale (after avoiding it for awhile), only to discover that I was at the largest weight I've ever been. Including while I was pregnant. Let me tell you, I just about lost it. I cried in the shower for a good, long time. Then, I resolved that this was not going to continue. I determined that I was not going to cross that next threshold in numbers. I went to my laptop, and used the little "sticky note" application to post a big note with my current weight on it on there, so I would see it every time I use my laptop.

I began to really pay attention to what I was eating. I started to pay attention to my body when I ate; to recognize when I was full. I stopped looking at food as a "treat". I stopped the pattern of thinking that if I had it on my plate, I had to finish it, especially when it came to junk food and sweets. I do kind of keep that mindset with my veggies, though. I try to make sure that I eat all of the veggies on my plate first, and then go on to what's left. And I've been making myself aware of the calorie content of what I am eating, as well as fat, etc... One night, I remember being anxious for a Snickers bar, until I turned it over and read how many calories are in that one little bar. My craving instantly vanished, and I wound up giving the candy to someone else.

I am trying to keep myself more active. I park far away from the stores. I use stairs over elevators or escalators. I get outside and play in the yard, or walk on my treadmill. That treadmill is probably the best investment I've ever made. I plan to do more hiking, discover new trails. I've signed up for meetups with other like-minded people, so maybe I can get myself a group of people interested in keeping each other accountable and motivated. I want to get more active in getting my son many of his Boy Scout badges, and many of those are physical activity. I'm anxious for the Summer and the nicer weather to get here, so I can get outside more.

I plan to do a cleanse in the next couple weeks. I need to do a little more research, but my body has definitely been asking me for it. I'm curious as to how many of my ailments will go away with the fat. How much my headaches will decrease, the nausea, the feeling of "unwellness".

It was nice to be able to take that new number on the scale, and instead of cry over it, rejoice over it. To use it to keep me motivated. To know that the changes to myself and my lifestyle are working, and the proof is there. To lift my spirits, instead of dwell on negative.

Work vs Home Weight/Energy

2010-03-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that work makes me fat. Not physical work- but having a job work. You laugh. I'm serious.

I didn't use to be this big. Nope. I had gained weight after the kids, and I still looked huge to myself in the mirror. What is crazy, is that what I use to see in the mirror and bulk at- Well, that's pretty much what I am now. Sometimes that makes me feel better, because I think that maybe I'm actually seeing more than what is really there. Other times it makes me shudder, because I can't believe I let this happen.

Anyway- I'm going off course.

I've done a lot of thinking over the past several weeks. And something I've come to realize is that I am tons more productive at home when I am not working. Not only do I cook, but I bring down those cookbooks and find new recipes and actually COOK. I clean the house.. not just pick it up. I organize. I get into those overcrowded spaces and clear them out. I go through those hundreds of still-packed boxes and unpack or get rid of them. Man, do I need to do that. I get outside and walk. I have more patience when it comes to my kids, and their homework. I can volunteer at their schools and events and not feel like I'm pressing myself thin. I devote more time to things. I am not so exhausted by the time I get home that I want to just sit and veg. I crank up the radio and sing and dance my way through the day. I actually enjoy doing the housework and such. I loved having my boyfriend and kids come home to a clean house, knowing what I was making for dinner that night (if not having already started it), feeling accomplished at having tackled and finished projects.

Don't get me wrong. I love love love my job. It's the best I've ever had. The atmosphere is wonderful. My coworkers are wonderful. Even the patron's are great. But, I'm a lazy person. And when I get home, or on my days off, I don't want to do anything outside of the "needs-to-be-done".

So, now I need to figure out how to live in both worlds, and be both people. How do I mesh the person I am when I'm not working into the person I am while I am working? Somehow, take all that energy that I have when not working, and keep it going for when I get home, or have the day off. It's not like I'm going to be able to completely quit working anytime soon (try never), so I've got to figure something out. Anyone have any suggestions?

Karate Kid

2010-03-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

My son had his first karate tournament this past Sunday. I think he was a bit nervous, but more excited. I was, too. It was long... but fun. Lots of kids. Lots of camaraderie. Lots of food. Lots of pictures, like this one that Dustin took.

My son took fourth place in his katas. He did them properly, but he was horribly nervous (I could tell), and he did them too fast. If he had slowed down, he very well could have taken it. But, nerves will do that to you, and now he knows. And hell, fourth place is pretty freakin' cool as far as I'm concerned!

Then came the sparring. He took first place! It was awesome. I thought I might start crying, and tried real hard not to. I succeeded, but barely. It did choke me up, and I'm glad I had water with me. He was completely jazzed. Can't you imagine?! His first tournament, and he got a first place. Awesomesauce.

There are a couple more coming up this summer. I'm hoping he decides to participate in them. To take this class a bit further, and start competing.. start pushing himself. He's so awesome when he does. He shines, and he knows it. I hope he keeps with it.

I am so very insanely proud. =)

Spring Splats

2010-03-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

It was absolutely beautiful outside yesterday. So, not being able to resist being out in it, I decided to take our dog for a walk, and went to pick my daughter up from school. That's a 3-mile hike up and down the road. Nothing was wrong with the day or the walk. As a matter of fact, it was quite incredible. The walk seemed effortless, whereas the last time I walked it, I ached for days. The day was warm with a nice breeze to keep me from getting overheated.

The only problem was with the car of youngsters that drove by. There was a time in my life where walking down the road elicited cat-calls by these same carloads. This time, however, I was subjected to the cruelty about weight. It's the first real "slam" I've had concerning this issue. And, it really messed up an otherwise perfect day.

Since I've had my son, I've struggled with my body weight. Having always been a slim girl, I didn't know how to react to this extra baggage I was carrying around. While I was pregnant, it didn't bother me too much, because I was obviously pregnant, and that was an excellent excuse. Now- there are no excuses. In the past couple years, I have really packed them on. Due to personal happenings, and the outcomes of those happenings, I became complacent and folded into myself, not to escape what was happening, but as a coming home and finally feeling like I was where I needed to be. Unfortunately, I also became sedate, and that wrecked havoc on my waistline.

Now, looking in the mirror makes me ill. To that point where I've almost literally become sick from it. I hate it. I hate trying on new clothes, because nothing fits how I want it to. It only points out to me how much I have changed in body mass. I try to diet, healthfully, and exercise, but it doesn't quite work out how it should. Our lifestyle isn't very conducive to a healthy eating pattern. And neither is the fact that I'm still waiting on an oven (which should hopefully be there by the time I get home. I'm not holding my breath for that though). My weakened state doesn't let me exercise how I'd like to, although things like that walk are much overdue and underdone.

So- now I receive the insults instead of the catcalls. It's amazing how a body can change, and what it can do to one's mindset.

Mist & Monkey

2010-03-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever read the book, or seen the movie, of Stephen King's 'The Mist'? Every time I think of that story, I think of my brain. It's how my brain feels of late. Fuzzy, obscure. I can't quite see in there, and there is something scary lurking within, snatching up thoughts, ideas and memories like the tentacles snatched up people.

I haven't been feeling well. My head aches in a dull, sickly way. My body (mostly my neck, shoulders and back) aches the same. My tummy has a constant hint of nausea at all times. My tongue feels covered with some kind of paper. And my eyes see things that aren't there. Not outright hallucinations. Just shadows.

In other words.. I feel icky.

But, in other news, I hung out with a monkey on my head today. No- not the metaphorical addiction, but my daughter's stuffed monkey. Apparently it was cozy up there while she attended to making her lunch this morning. It was cool. We hung out, ate bananas, and sung "Yellow Submarine" from the Beatles.
So, now I'm told I need to start blogging about Monkey's adventures whilst on my head. We'll see how that turns out. I may just have to attach him to a headband and start wearing him (her) around so there will be all kinds of fun stuff to write about.

Don't hold your breath for that. While blue may be my daughter's favorite color, I'm pretty sure Monkey's is yellow. And mine is orange. So no one wins there.

Updates, March 3rd, 2010

2010-03-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

Wow. Not blogging from work really puts a dent in my blogging, doesn't it?! LOL

So, I guess I'm overdue for some updates. Since I have a few minutes before I have to leave, I thought I'd get some of those out here for those of you who follow this.

#1: My son's belly-

The surgery went splendidly. His dad and I sat for about an hour and a half with him, waiting for the anesthesiologist and surgeon to be ready (apparently they had another surgery that wound up going longer than they had expected). Once he was wheeled back, Dustin went and grabbed us all some Taco Bell (none of us had eaten, since my boy couldn't). We scarfed that down in one of the waiting rooms, and before we were even finished, the doc came in to tell us everything went well. It was just as he thought- a mass of scar and cyst, under the skin. He took it out, had to go just a bit farther than he expected to, but not by much. Closed everything, and now we were just waiting for him to start waking up.
Once he started to stir, they let us back to see him. He was all cozied up in the bed. Oh, by the way, before he went in, while waiting, since he had to be in that uncomfy cold "robe" they give you, they had this machine that was like a reverse vacuum. It hooked up to the robe, and blew warm air in between the two layers. It was AWESOME, and I want one.
Anyway.
So, he starts to wake. Of course, he's all doped up from the anesthesia, so getting him coherent took a little bit. Meanwhile, the nurse is going over after-care instructions with us- telling us that we will probably have to force feed him soft foods the first day, because his tummy will be queasy, and that he will most likely sleep all day. Of course, she told us about the pain meds, and all that are associated with that.
My son starts to really wake up. He asks for food and water, since he's famished (couldn't eat after midnight, and it was close to 2pm, if my memory serves me right). He got a poppyseed muffin, which he demolished. And two glasses of juice.
He decides he's ready to get up, and get dressed. The three of us leave and let the nurse help him. It's just one of those sheets that cover his area. Outside, we hear this, as he sits up:

"Woah! I sat up and Whoosh! Everything fell out of my head..."

We were trying our damnedest not to let him hear us snickering at that.
As for his lack of appetite, and drowsiness- he demanded a stack of poppyseed muffins and chicken noodle soup from Costco, which we obliged. He ate 2-3 muffins, and a can of soup, among other things. And stayed up until about 1 in the morning.
As for pain- the kid has none. His pain threshold plain doesn't exist. The only pain med he got was the one I made him take when I picked up his prescription, since the doctor told me to (for the waning anesthesia). He never needed another one. He's fine.
At his follow-up, the doctor checked and assured everything is healing fine. He can go back to normal activity- such as karate and P.E., on the 12th of March.

#2 My Laptop-

I got one! Let me here a "HaZaah!" for tax returns. It isn't anything spectacular. Not one of those multi-thousand $$$ ones I'm sure I would have thoroughly enjoyed. But it has a good enough graphics card to run Everquest 2 (a online computer game I play on occasion), surf the Internet, and still have WordPad open to write. All at the same time. So, that's cool. Now I just have to get use to the difference between using a desktop over using a laptop again. It gets frustrating, but it's worth it.
Ontop of that, I also need to learn a new Windows, since this has Win7(?) and my desktop has Vista(?). So far there isn't really much difference, that I can tell. Of course, I've always used the very basic of functions on the computer, so it could be spectacularly different, and I wouldn't have a clue. One thing I've noticed that I do really like is the "sticky note" function. I am already using the crap out of that, for motivational stuff, as well as keeping notes on my writing. Super jazzy.

#3 The Treadmill!-

I finally got one. It's your basic, beginner treadmill. I love it. It's fantastic. It hurts the crap out of my ankle, and I'm not sure why. But then, I've always had problems with my ankles and shins while running in P.E. in school, so it's nothing new. I just work through the pain, and deal with it. The end result is worth it, in my opinion. Dustin is using the crap out of it, too. We have it facing the television (but in the other room), so it's just dandy convenient. Even the kids get a kick out of using it. Groovy, I tell ya.

#4 Taxes-

I got my tax return, and it was good. I got to pay off my bills, and pay a month ahead. Want to hear something crazy? I paid my stupid electric company $500.. and still owe $0.63 for this month. *sigh* And I was able to get the kids new mattresses. Dustin is going to make them both platform-style beds, and we are going to paint the edges with chalkboard paint. I kind of want one of those! And I put a significant portion away in savings. I am hopeful that sometime soon that will go towards the deposit on a new-and-improved place. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well, that's all I've got for now. I'm sure there is more, but, since I just got home from work, and my ankles still hurt, and I'm tired and hungry, that's all my little brain can come up with.

Bubble Button

2010-02-08T11:45:00.000-08:00

My son goes in for surgery this Friday. He is getting his belly button cut out. Crazy, you think? I'll post a picture when I get home and you will understand what I mean.

His belly button looks like bubbles. We've always referred to it with the endearing name of "bubble button". I'm going to be sad to see it go, but it's herniating, and needs to be taken out. The doctor at the surgery center was saying something about how sometimes the connection between the belly button and the abdomen (the umbilical cord from when baby was in the womb), doesn't seal properly, and there is still a via way. This tube can get cysts, and fill with fluid. Something like that.

Here- have a looksie:

Anyway, he goes to surgery on Friday. I have no idea how deep they have to go, or how extensive the surgery will be. He did mention having to cut into muscle, which is painful. It is outpatient surgery, so that's a plus. He scheduled it for the weekend he's with me (yes, my son picked his date), so he'll have the luxury of having a quiet house, with plenty of television, movies, and computer to contend with. And yes, dear sister, I will let him eat ice cream!

He's only going to miss one day of school-which is this Friday. He has Monday and Tuesday off due to President's Day, so he won't miss too much school. He will have to miss a week of karate, and then go back very slowly. NO contact. Not for a couple weeks. He decided he will use the time to perfect his stances and katas. I thought that was an awesome decision. My little boy is growing up and becoming responsible!

He is having to miss his testing for his stripe on his belt. It was for this week, but because of the herniation, they do not want him to participate, since there is definitely much physical contact during it. He is disappointed ( I think he specifically scheduled it for after his testing ), but he understands. His health is more important. He can test later.

So, hopefully it all goes smoothly with no complications. I want him to recover fast and easy! Keep posted, and I'll update this weekend sometime!

Super Sunday

2010-02-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

What a game, eh? I have no love for either team, but because of a little warrior (Pirate Ben, over top right there), I rooted for the Saints. Luckily, everyone else in our family of friends was going for them as well, so I could root loudly and not be pummeled!

Fantastic game. I hope he got to watch the whole thing. I don't know the kid, but I want him to have these little moments of victory, ya know?!

Working Bed Rest

2010-01-26T16:53:00.001-08:00

This past Saturday I hurt my back. I had bought my kids some dressers ($1.29 each at the Goodwill!! And they are nice dressers!), so I was helping my son get his room picked up, since he also wanted to rearrange it in the process. So, we moved his bed (easy, since it's just the boxspring and mattress), then dug into moving all his crap into a pile in the corner in order to fit the dresser through. While moving a pile of his laundry over, I tweaked something. Brought me to my knees, and really made me worry for a moment that I wasn't going to be able to get up, and that I was going to have to go have my son call someone to drive me to the hospital.

After a couple moments of breathing, I was able to stand up. I stretched it out, got it limbered up, and proceeded on with cleaning the rooms and moving the furniture. All went fine after that, and though my back was still faintly throbbing, it wasn't overwhelming. However, as the night grew on, my back protested more and more and more. It worried me enough to start thinking about urgent care visits again, but not enough to actually go.

I spent Sunday staying low, thinking that by the time Monday morning rolled around, I'd be kosher for work. I was wrong. I started thinking about that dull throbbing in my back, and then added that to my job at work, and decided no way- no how. So I stayed home. Then realized that by staying home, I was going to end up doing my back more harm than good, since I wouldn't be able to keep myself from doing all those nasty chores that need to be done.

Have you ever really noticed how much your back actually does? Try having it in pain every time it moves the slightest, and you'd be amazed!! Throw in some spasms.. and there's me. So, I made Dustin go with me to the Goodwill, and St. Vinnies, and the St. Vinnies in Bremerton, and the Goodwill in Silverdale. I used a cart as a walker. It was grand. It still hurt, but it was better than trying to bend over and throw laundry around, or scrub out bathtubs.

Today, I decided to come to work, despite the lingering pain. I mean, really, I just put myself on a moderated "bed rest"- by going to work. I knew dang well that I would put more pressure on my back if I stayed home again, then if I just limited myself to the check-out station here. Is that horrible? Work is better rest than at home. Not to mention, I don't want to use up all my sick leave on this stupid thing. *sigh*

Laptop!

2010-01-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

Every day I get a twinge that drives itself deeper and deeper into me, telling me I need a new laptop. A small, easily portable one. One that handles the Internet like it was butter to a baker. One that I can lounge on the couch with, or at a coffee shop with.

Sitting in this chair- at this desk- to write, is debilitating. It's counter-conducive to my zen. No feng shui here boys and girls.

Keep me Honest.

2010-01-13T08:56:00.001-08:00

Hey! Know me well enough you think to help me out a bit?

So, as mentioned in my previous post, I have some work to do on my head. I've incorperated these sites before to try and help with that, and then just let the info lie dormant. Now, I feel I might be ready to tentatively move forward and meet these things head on.

But, I need outside help. I can only see so much of my own psyche. I'm a bit biased, ya know. If you could clicky on each link below and then read over and give me some honest feedback, I'd really appreciate it. You don't have to add your name, but I think it would help me by keeping things in context, ya know?

Anyways- here are the links:

Johari Window

and

Nohari Window

Thank you muchly!!

Stress

2010-01-12T10:33:00.001-08:00

I've been sitting here under an undue amount of stress lately. I know I shouldn't let that go on, but I'm not really sure how to let go of it. I was reading a blog I follow here, and she was talking about how here "resolution" for this year is to let go. May I mention here that I find this woman incredible in her strength and convictions. Anyway... much of what this gal says hits home, and this did, too. I think some areas of my psyche would greatly benefit from me being able to just let go of some junk. It's like my cluttered house. My brain is so cluttered that I can't maneuver around in there. I need to clean some of that junk out. Yard sale, maybe?

There are things I need to deal with, work on, plain let go of and move on. The problem is, I'm not sure how to do all these things. Which ones do I confront? Which ones do I simply walk away from? And by walking away, am I really letting go, or merely running from them some more? How far should I delve into these things? Am I going to only wind up stirring the pot and hurting myself even more by analyzing some of this crap?

I know I'm being really vauge. I'm not giving much information to work off of here. The truth of the matter is, one of these issues are trust issues, and the fear of others seeing my inner sides. The issues are things I'm not certain I really want made public in this way.

All I know is that the stress is wearing on me, and it's starting to show to those around me. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. When people ask "What's wrong?", I don't know how to answer. I don't know how to answer it to myself yet.

New Years

2010-01-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

New Years
It's that time of year for new resolutions. Okay, it's a little past that time, but I've been ~~lazy~~ busy. Okay... I've been lazy. I was looking over what I'd written last year. All those things I had planned on doing. Some I did, some I tried, some I didn't even attempt other than thinking about it.

I've been writing more, even if it's mostly blogging rather than actual storytelling. But it's more than nothing. I've been reading more, which is fantastic. New stuff and old alike. While my vocabulary isn't necessarily broader, I'm still getting those daily words with which to cram my head with. I have been cooking in more, but not necessarily eating out less. However, I have been trying to make more health-consious decisions when eating out, as well as when cooking at home. I was exercising more, but got discouraged when I wasn't seeing results. I tried, hard, alot... and got nothing. So, now I have to try again. I planted my garden, and tried to keep it tended, but between my brown thumb, the rabbits, and the slugs- it died. I got my son in karate (which he still loves). I got my daughter into choir for awhile, but she doesn't want to do any after school activites (I'll find something eventually!). The kids' dental work is either done, or doing. I got medical insurance. I've been drinking more water.

So- that is 2009 in a nutshell. At least, based off my resolutions for that year. I got maybe half accomplished, and I think that's pretty good. There are some I really wish I'd taken more time to do, but they will be in this years, and maybe this will be thier year. That said- here are some of the things I'd like to get done this year:

1. Write more. I had this last year, but I want to focus more on my stories, not only on my blog. I don't want to spend less time on my blog- just more on the stories.

2. Learn how to use my sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to make some of those clothes, purses, etc that I have the patterns and fabric for in there! All I need is the know-how!

3. Continue to cook more at home, and cook healthy meals.

4. Learn how to shop efficiently for healthy food and snacks.

5. Make it a habit to eat breakfast, and choose (and bring) healthy snacks throughout the day.

6. Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! And not be discouraged if I don't "see" results. Let my body tell me how it's doing, maybe not visually, but internally.

7. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.

8. Find some good hiking trails, and use them; get us all out there, breathing in that fresh air!

9. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.

10. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever.

11. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.

12. Learn how to make more natural, enviornmental friendly products for cleaning, both the house and our bodies.

13. Go see some live music. This shouldn't be as difficult as it's been for me. I know there's live music around here- I am just horrible about finding it.

14. Get the animals to the vet. This is one of those ones that really should have been done last year, but wasn't.

15. Figure out what is going wrong in my son's Language Arts class, and help him rememdy it.

16. Help my daughter understand this math stuff.

17. Give a garden another shot, but read up on it more instead of just jumping in.

18. Model more for Dustin.

19. Get the shed cleaned out, gone through, and organized.

20. Get the boxes in my bedroom cleaned out, gone through, and reorganized.

Running the Gauntlet

2010-01-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

gauntlet
PRONUNCIATION:(GONT-let, GAHNT-)
MEANING:noun:
1. A long thick glove worn as part of medieval armor.
2. A challenge. To throw down the gauntlet: to challenge someone.To take up the gauntlet: to accept a challenge.
3. A form of military punishment where a person was forced to run between two rows of people who struck him as he passed in front of them. Used in the phrase: to run the gauntlet.
4. An attack from all sides; a severe trial or ordeal.

See definitions 3 & 4 there? That's what I feel like today. I feel like I'm being beaten by all sides. Unending. And the hitters? The attackers? My own body.

Ugh.

I feel ill. I've had a bad taste in my mouth since late last night. Unidentifiable as of yet. It kept me awake. My stomach is in upheaval. My brain is on strike, and not a peaceful one. My coworker is back in the hospital, which is so much way worse than this, so I can't go home sick.

Four more hours, and I get to go home. The hours pass as weeks, the minutes days, the seconds hours. My proverbial watched pot. Only- it's a clock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Only, much slower.

Get on my horse. Don't open at work or with kids!

2009-12-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are not into juvenile, crude humor, this probably isn't for you. For those of you who are: Watch this video. Just- don't watch it at work, or around kids. Watch it somewhere else first, and then determine whether or not your friends, coworkers and family would be immediately captivated by it's catchy tune, or if they would spank you, or if they would just roll their eyes while boogying and humming along.

clicky:
http://www.getonmyhorse.com/

$5.6 Million in Hope

2009-12-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

I got this in my email today, and thought it was pretty kick-ass. So I'm sharing it with you!

Dear Advocates,

Congress completed much of its remaining business before taking a well deserved break for the holidays. Over the course of this legislative year advocates for childhood cancer have worked hard to bring attention and federal funding to childhood cancer. Members of Congress and their staff have also worked hard to address these critical issues and the needs of children with cancer.

Our hard work has resulted in an unprecedented additional $5.6 million in appropriations dedicated to childhood cancer. This is more money than has ever been specifically appropriated by Congress for childhood cancer. These funds come through the following appropriations sources:

Labor Health and Human Services under the provisions of the Caroline Pryce Walker Conquer Childhood Cancer Act:

$3 million directed to the Centers for Disease Control for a pediatric cancer registry, a critical source of information to support research.

$1 million in the office of the Secretary of Health and Human Services to provide much needed outreach, resource and program services for children with cancer and their families.

In addition, the National Cancer Institute received an increase in funding for FY2010, through the Labor Health and Human Services appropriation bill. The estimated amount that will be apportioned specifically for pediatric cancer research will be $4 million above last year's level.

Defense Appropriation
$1.6 million for pediatric cancer research in the Defense appropriation

At the end of this long year I am deeply grateful to our champions in Congress for increasing the federal commitment to funding for childhood cancer research and for their continued partnership and commitment to this effort as the next appropriation cycle is about to get started.

I wish you a New Year full of Peace, Hope and Health.

Kate

Daddy Issues?

2009-12-30T12:45:00.000-08:00

I just found out from my sister that both her and my brother got ~~something~~ an actual email (via Facebook) from our dad over Christmastime. For those of you who are not familiar with my issues with my father, just know that we've been estranged from him for quite some time. There is a long, complicated story associated with it (it's always long and complicated, isn't it? Why can't it just be short and simple?).

So, I just found out he contacted them, and not me. I've yet to hear from my other sister if she heard from him. We're all on Facebook. We're all "friends" with him. I'm interested to see if she heard anything, since her and I bore the brunt of the "estrangedness". Or just plain "strangeness", if you like.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I've tried really hard for many years to get over him and move on. I've got myself a nice, sturdy wall built up so that I don't have to care about him not contacting me. I've got plenty of other people in my life that love me. I don't need his love. Right?

Well, sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong. Sometimes I feel leaks and cracks in my fortress, and stuff leaks through. No more rays of sunshine and rainbows. More grey smog and stale water drops. Mouldy, putrid stuff. I don't like it.

But, what is one to do? I've tried to talk to him. I've written, I've called, I've sent birthday cards and Christmas cards, and just for the hell of it cards. Nothing. Nada. Oh, wait... I take that back. I get accused of being a spoiled, dirty rotten child who can't grow up. I'm completely at fault for everything that happened.

Whatever.

My mission is now to strengthen back up those defenses. I weakened them when I "friended" him on Facebook, I think. When he accepted the "friendship", some small glimmer of hope rose up and thought that maybe Facebook would give a neutral medium for us to start a conversation through, and maybe forge some new version of a relationship. I was mistaken. I haven't even gotten a simple hello since sending him the request.

So, I accept it and try and move forward. I lick my wounds, that I feel at this stage are largely self-inflicted. Bite me once, your fault- bite me twice, my fault type thing.

Repost for Awareness

2009-12-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know this person, and today is the first day I've ever read her blog, but since I am a supporter of anything that would bring about more awareness for cancer, I am going to repost this for her. If you have any positive energy to spare, please take a moment and send it his way.

*********************************************************************************

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Positive vs Negative

2009-12-21T13:25:00.001-08:00

How do you keep a positive face and a positive attitude, when everytime you think it's going to be okay, Life knocks you down and kicks you in the face?

The King of Stephen

2009-12-16T13:55:00.000-08:00

So, anyone who has ever been to my house knows that I have about elevnty-billion books of Stephen King. Many are duplicates (NO- I am NOT getting rid of my dupes! They are on purpose!). However, many of them are also falling apart, like the one I showed to my co-workers Monday:
Them: "Is that a library book, Thay??!!"
Me: "Oh, gods, no!"

It just goes to show that I love my Stephen King books, and I read the ever living hell out of them. I recently got Dustin into the Gunslinger series, which he's read in it's entirty. I'm trying to convince him of some of the others I think he'd enjoy. My son has also recently picked up a couple, and I'm trying to convice him of others I think he'd enjoy. So, pretty soon, my books are going to be a pile of rags with half-legible words written on them.

Needless to say, this means I need to start keeping track of which ones I need replaced. (Hey, this will also work for those people who can never figure out what to get me!) So- in no particular order:

Paperbacks I need replaced:

* The Talisman
* Rose Madder
* The Stand
* Four Past Midnight

Hardbacks I don't have paperback copies of:

* Desperation (I actually have a PB, but it's in pretty rough shape.)
* Pet Cemetary
* The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon
* From a Buick 8
* Duma Key
* The Dark Tower
* Song of Suzannah
* Cell
* Lisey's Story
* Hearts in Atlantis
* DreamCatcher

Books of his I don't even have at all (cry):
Wow... there are way more than I thought. I'm such a slacker. I didn't even realize there were so many on audiobook.

Fiction
* ~~Black House~~ I actually got both paperback and hardback! woot!
* Carrie
* Cycle of the Werewolf
* ~~Dolores Clairbone~~
* ~~Firestarter~~
* ~~Insomnia~~ Gotta love $0.50 hardbacks!
* ~~Misery~~
* Plant: Zenith Rising
* Shining (what??)
* Under the Dome

Non-Fiction
* Faithful
* Mid-Life Confidential
* Nightmares in the Sky

Short Story Collections
* Everything's Eventual
* Skeleton Crew
* Stephen King Goes to the Movies

Limited Editions
* Dolan's Cadillac
* Letters From Hell
* Little Sisters of Eluna
* My Pretty Pony
* New Lieutenant's Rap
* The Secretary of Dreams
* Six Stones

As Richard Bachman
* The Bachman Books
* Blaze
* Long Walk
* Rage
* Roadwork
* Running Man
* Thinner

Audio Books
* Apt Pupil
* Blood & Smoke
* the Body
* the Breathing Method
* Chattery Teeth
* the End of the Whole Mess
* Faithful
* the Gingerbread Girl
* House on Maple Street
* It Grows on You
* the Library Policeman
* LT's Theory of Pets
* Man in the Black Suit
* Riding the Bullet
* Stationary Bike
* Sun Dog
* Sorry, Right Number
* Wavedancer Benefit

Sensational Solstice!

2009-12-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

It's me. I know, I know- it's been quite awhile since I wrote. I just haven't had it in me. But I'm doing well. Things have been going just as they do. Thanksgiving was spent at my sister's house. The kids were with their dad, but he wound up there too, so I still got to spend it with them. It was nice, and we had some card games after the kids left ( I wouldn't participate in them until the kids left, since alcohol was involved).

Then, Dustin and I discovered that Black Friday would indeed start at 12am with Toys R Us opening and having pretty much all the big-ticket items we had wanted to get for the kids on clearanced pricing. So, we grabbed our stuff, jumped in the car, and headed out there. (Dustin drove, don't worry) While we were in line, a lady had a seizure. Some guy (dressed in black, mind you) was standing in the middle of the road waiting for the ambulance to show. Now, this is Black Friday. At Toys R Us. There are cars EVERYWHERE, and they are NOT looking for some dude standing in the middle of the road. So, Dustin decided he was going to go stand out there with him, since he was wearing his super-reflective work sweater. They looked official then.

We got our items, and stood in crazy lines that were the definition of utter and complete madness. But we got through it in one-piece, and even found other things along the way- such as a coffee cup sitting by the Lego's. I didn't drink it, much as I wanted one.

After Toys R Us, we decided we liked being crazy, and opted to go to Target. Which didn't open until 5. Since Old Navy (which, for some weird reason, I keep trying to call Ebay. I have no idea why, but everytime I open my mouth to say Old Navy- Ebay pops out instead.) opened at 3am, I decided to head over there, thinking it would be rather low-key. O... M... G... I was WRONG! (Note that that would be super underlined if I had that option here). It was a madhouse. I got a couple items, then noticed the line. It was horrible. So I got in it, because I figured I'd waited so long already, I might as well torture myself, too. I was wearing heeled boots. Had I been wearing normal shoes like a normal person I might have had a normal time. Nope. Not me. I'm supreme masochist when it comes to torturing myself during crazy events like Black Friday. I stood in line - to check out - for 2 hours. By the time I got to the checkout I was near tears; my feet hurt so bad. I had picked up a pair of slipper socks that I immediately donned the moment I got out of the store. They helped, but the damage had already been done to my poor tootsies.

So I went to Target.

Oh- I should mention that I found an open coffee place on the way to Old Navy, so at least I had that going for me. However, I'm pretty sure it's that coffee stop that put me so far back in line. It probably wouldn't have saved me from the checkout line madness, though.

Target was pretty bust. I think we got an SD card or something. Maybe some candy.

And that was Black Friday.

Nothing real interesting has happened since. I've got all my Christmas shopping done, save for one more item I found for Dustin that I am going to pick up after work today. (Yeah, like I was going to say what it was. I know you read this baby! Nice try!)

Then I'm finished. And it can be Christmas. And it'll be happy and joyful and magical and all that jazz. And then I get to start worrying about birthdays. Yay!

On another note- today is Cat Herders Day. So for all of you out there herding your cats- we salute you!

Don't forget tomorrow is Barbie & Barney Backlash Day. Whip those toys! It's also National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day, so I think I'm going to coat everything in chocolate and celebrate in sweet sweet bliss.

Medical Dillemmas

2009-11-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

So, I need to figure out what to do about my doctor visit I need to schedule. I know you don't really want to hear about my medical stuff, but too bad, because I'm going to type it anyway.

I really, really don't like the doctor office I go to. I use to love the doctor I had. He was awesome. He was our family doctor, so everytime any of us went, he was always asking about the others, and sometimes would just do a 2 for 1 right then and there. That's how I got my moles removed- during one of my son's routine vaccination visits. We talked about BBQ. It was awesome.

But, he has moved over to the hospital now. The doctors they have at the clinic now make me uneasy. My last visit, I met my new doctor there for the first time. I got in early, and meticulously filled out the "first-timer" form (mind you, same office, just new doc). I took my time with this form, because there were many issues I needed to bring to light with her. Things like:

Q: When was your last period?
A: I don't know, about 8 or 9 months ago?

Q: What, if any, kind of birth control do you currently use?
A: None
Q: Do you want to change?
A: YES!!

And then various medical questions to do with headaches, depression, heart issues, etc etc etc all with answers that would lead you to believe they shall be discussed.

So, she comes in, gives me a pap smear that lasts for maybe not even a minute, and is out the door. I had to physically stop her to even ask about birth control. She wanted to refer me to someone for something that I can't even remember. She said she was leaving to write up the referral, and she'd be right back. A few moments later, the nurse came back with my birth control prescription and said I was good to go.

Uh, what??? Not even a shrug at the no period for 8 months thing? Nadda. Nothing. She never even read my paperwork. I never got that referral either.

The other doctors there I can't understand. They are from other ethnic origions. Don't get me wrong. In no way am I racist. They make some pretty awesome docs. I'm just absolutely horrible with accents. I cannot understand them. And it makes me feel bad to have them repeat over and over and over again that they now want me to raise my other arm. I really don't want to discuss in depth stuff, ya know?

Okay, which brings me to my dilemma. I had no insurance when I went to this office. So, I get sliding scale rates, which also involve any prescriptions this clinic's doctors prescribe. This brings my $150 birth control bill down to around an average of $30.

As many of you know, I recently got insurance through my work. What I misunderstood was that I have to pay for it. What I thought I'd be getting at no charge actually costs me $250 a month. I will have to drop the insurance, as I just can't afford that. (Luckily, I do get the vision, dental and life insurance no charge, which is where the misunderstanding came to play.) But, I figured since I have been paying for it anyway, that I should utilize it and get myself a doctor whose actually worth something, have him/her check everything out and make sure there's nothing serious going on, and get in somewhere for when I have to drop insurance again, I'll already be established.

However, that makes epic fail on the prescription front.

Thus- the dilemma.

Do I say screw it and go find a doctor who gives a crap about his/her patients and actually reads the charts, and be willing to pay full price for any prescriptions I may need? Or do I make due and save the money? Maybe see about being able to understand one of the others?

Gah.

This sucks.

Rainy Days

2009-11-16T11:37:00.001-08:00

It's raining outside. Not that that's anything new, being I live in the Pacific Northwest. However, it's really raining outside! I can hear it battering against the windows, trying to barge it's way in. It's just about made it through the ceiling in parts. Let me tell ya, that's not good in any building, but particularly not good in a library. At our staff meeting the other day, we were informed of various leaks around the building. The only solution available to us for the time being: set out buckets. Well, if the power goes out, we have water! They say rain water is the best to wash your hair with.

The lesson to learn from this, those of you reading. VOTE FOR THE LIBRARY LEVY! Whenever they are able to justify putting it back up for option on your election card.

Today is one of those days that make me just want to heat up a pot of tea, curl up in a nice, cozy chair by the window, in front of a nice, warm fireplace, and read a good book or three. The sound of the rain falling, the wind blowing everything down, the tree limbs scrapping the side of the house.... it's all so soothing. I can see in my mind, the lamplight flickering. I have the candles and matches there waiting, just in case the power finally gives up. The teapot of water hangs above the fire, keeping toasty.

Unfortunately, I'm not at home. Home does not have a fireplace, or a woodstove. When the power goes out, it's cold. I have tons of blankets for this reason. There is no fireplace here at work either. Oh, wouldn't that be lovely! A safety issue, as well, I would imagine.

But, I had a bagful of holds come in today, so I'll be set with stuff to do tonight, should the power fail. I'll be wrapped in tons of blankets, and won't have any way to keep my tea warm, but at least I'll have something to occupy myself with! That, and my cupboard full of board games!

Scary Therapy

2009-10-13T22:54:00.001-07:00

I feel like I need to write. I feel like my head is going to explode. There is too much crap in there boiling and threatening to burst out of my skull like a volcano, spewing it's contents everywhere, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Part of my new wellness challenge is to keep track of my mental well-being. It wants me to delve into any stresses I may have, and bring them forth and battle them. I think this is a horrible idea. I have too much stuff in there. I try very hard not to look behind those doors I've closed, locked and barred. My brain is too messed up. Those prisoners are there because I don't want to have to look at them. I don't want to have to face them and hear what they have to say. I don't want to have to admit that they are a part of me.

And with my current state of madness, I feel like I will surely just crumble. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm not a strong enough person to know the things I know, and to keep thinking that everything is fine and dandy. I'm also don't want to lose what I've worked so hard to gain. But there are things inside of me that scream and shake and beat on the walls. They make me hear them. They make me know they are there. I don't know how to handle this.

I think some of my headache problems have stemmed from this. From just locking things away and not wanting to deal with them. They push forward, with physical effects on my body.

With my insurance came another perk that allows mental support and health. I have been seriously thinking of finding a therapist to see about helping me with some of this stuff. But that is scary.

Quest to Living Well

2009-10-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

I finally got my insurance cards. I looked up some local providers, and plan to make an appointment with a doctor this afternoon. In my haste to find a doctor, I just realized I forgot to look up optometrists and dentists. Oh well.

However, in signing up with the insurance through my workplace, I was able to sign up with a service called "Living Well". It offers incentives for making and maintaining healthy choices. Since I've been trying to do so on my own anyway, I figured this would be a great opportunity for me to get some extra motivation going.

So, I did their assessment test. I actually got a good "score". Better than I thought I would get. I set up a food journal, so I can start keeping track of what I eat and when. It came at a good time, too, as I just got a cookbook containing 200 recipes, all containing less than 200 calories! I figure keeping track of what I eat, and having to actually look at it, might help me to start making better decisions regarding what I put into my body.

I had also just a couple days ago decided to drink more water. I came up with a system for while I'm at work. I am to drink a full 16 ounce bottle of water between each of my breaks. That is about 2 to 2&1/2 hours time. It's going pretty well so far, and ensures that I drink at a minimum, 3 bottles a day. Plus, I have a huge water bottle sitting on my desk at home, that I drink off of all day. The good side of that is not only do I drink more water, but it gets my kids to drink more water as well. The bad side is that my kids drink all my water, so when I go to drink it, it's gone! However, that makes me have to get up and fill it up, so I'll just count that towards keeping active :)

The one area I'm failing miserably in is exercise. I really want to join that Pilate's class. Even moreso- I want a treadmill. I have no idea where I would put it, but I would use that baby. I know I would, which makes me not having it even worse. I have grand ideas of taking a walk every evening... the waning sunlight strewn through our tree laden drive. Yeah right. It's dark by the time I get home now, and the last thing I want to do is go for a walk in the cold. (If you didn't already know, I'm a huge wuss when it comes to cold.) But I need to get active somehow. I need to find something to spark and hold my attention long enough to keep me going. I am one of those people who needs others around to motivate me to keep moving. Others who are also moving, not just cracking a whip while they point and laugh.

So, this is my quest to get healthier, and stay healthier. I need to bunker down and go through those cookbooks and gather ingredients. I need to stop focusing on the cost of the foods, and focus on the cost those high fat "cheap" ones are charging our bodies. I need to pull myself out of my chair and do something. Get creative, get active, get mind-challenged.

Brain Sweaters

2009-10-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower this morning, looking at my brain (shut up), and I discovered that it reminded me of a sweater.

You know the type. Warm and cozy. The perfect fit- the one you wear EVERYWHERE! But as time goes on, that sweater takes a lot of beating. It gets caught on something here, something spills on it there. And eventually, the sweater starts to unravel. Bit by bit, little by little, the frayed areas widen and spread. The stains soak through to the inside and harden.

And then one day you pick up that sweater and wonder what the hell happened to it?! You sit down on the edge of your bed and hold it, examining all those holes and fraying edges and stains and wonder if it's repairable. This isn't going to be an easy fix. It's not like you can just throw it in the washer and drier and call it good. No, this is going to take much more introspect and contemplation. This is going to be a challenge!

So you smooth the sweater tenderly on the table, and pick up your trusty needle and thread, maybe a bowl of water and a washcloth to try and clean up the stains. You hold your breath as you make that first stitch, hoping the whole thing doesn't fall apart in your hands, or that you wind up making it worse than it was in the first place.

Or maybe I can just turn it into some mittens or a pillow or something.

Yeah... that's what was going through my head this morning while in the shower.

Shut up.

Coffee Depravation

2009-09-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

I've had to stop drinking coffee. While I've been thinking about doing this for awhile for health reasons, since I use so much cream and sugar, the actual having to do it part is bumming me out. But, it is making me too sick to keep trying. It upsets my stomach to the point where I gag while drinking it. The smell is nauseating. The heartburn that comes with it is awful.

But man, I sure do miss my morning ritual of waking up to a pot of coffee, sitting here at the computer and doing my morning email / blog reads, while sipping on that hot Cup 'o Joe. It was a nice, quiet way to start the day. And with the weather turning cold in the mornings now, I am especially missing it.

It's not just coffee that hurts my tummy. Everything I drink has been. Even water. That one is probably more tough for me than coffee. Mostly because I force myself to drink it anyway. Especially at work. Heartburn and all. Yes, even water gives me heartburn to drink.

Which, if it wasn't for the overwhelming nausea coffee gave me, I'd just suck it up and drink the coffee. Water upsets my stomach, but not nearly to that degree.

Soda is out of the question. About the only thing I've noticed that doesn't seem to have an affect is iced tea. So, I'm also thinking I'm going to have to look into hot tea or hot chocolate as my coffee alternative. See how those hot morning cups work out for me and my tummy.

I've been told I should go get my gall bladder looked at. An old friend of mine showed up at the library yesterday, and was telling me about how she had to go get her gall bladder removed soon. She began describing her symptoms from the beginning, and I had to groan, because it was exactly the same thing I've been going through for the past couple weeks. Apparently it gets pretty dang bad. Well, I have to wait until my insurance stuff arrives, and I'm still patiently waiting for that welcome packet. Maybe I need to stop being patient.

She did say she lost 15 pounds in one week though. That's something to be excited about. No pain, no gain right. Or in this case, loss.

Anyway. I should start focusing my mornings on writing. There is just so much distraction around me to write. It's hard, it's frustrating, and I'm lazy. That's just all there is to it. The opportune time for me to write around here is probably the least opportune time for my brain. I don't understand all these writers that talk about waking up and writing for a couple hours right off the bat. It takes my brain that long just to process it's awake. Maybe that's the key though- writing while still part-way in that dream state.

I could wind up with some rather interesting tales.

I need a laptop.

I need a dang cup of coffee!

Zoos, Pirates, and School

2009-09-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

The kids started school last week. Did I blog about that already? My brain is frazzled and I don't remember. In any event, it went okay, despite my absolute screw-up regarding all facets of the busses. *Sigh* It's better now, I think. Both kids enjoyed thier first week, even though I am not enjoying having to get up at 6am to facilitate thier morning routine. But, it gives me time to facilitate my exercising, which I have been building into my morning routine. It isn't nice, and I really hate myself for it. But, I'm hoping that with time I'll love myself for it. We'll see.

In celebration, we took the kids to the Woodland Park Zoo this past Saturday. It was an okay trip. It started early, and rocky, but we made it through. I spent the day feeling pretty 3rd-wheelish, but overall I think the kids had a good time. It may have run a bit long for them, but it's a learning experience for us next time. As in- next time, PLAN. It's too big to just wander at random. You really need to have a route plotted. But it's a great zoo. We got season passes, so we can try again another time.
Sunday continued Pirate Days in Port Orchard. Well, I guess it's technically known as "Murder Mystery Weekend", but really- we're all there for the pirates. While we missed the big fun stuff that happened on Saturday (while we were at the zoo), we came down Sunday and got to see the children's costume contest, as well as the pet costume contest. It was really quite cute, and I completely agreed with the judge's choices. There were some pretty fantastic costumes. Judging by the attire worn by the adult party-goers, I am rather disappointed that I missed the adult contest. While we were there though, we got a program for an event in Oregon this coming weekend, which we just might go to after I get off work Saturday.

So, another week has started, and is now about half-over for me, which I am thankful for. I enjoy my job, but I need to readjust to this morning wakeup stuff. I'm still trying to track down what time my son's bus arrives in the morning, but other than that things seem to be going smoothly. Tonight is his open house, so I'm planning on stopping by the office and seeing if I can get time verifications while I'm there.

September is Childhood Cancer Awarness Month!

2009-09-11T07:11:00.000-07:00

Taken from - CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation

.
The Impact of Childhood Cancer

• Cancer is the #1 cause of death by disease in children, cutting short the lives of more children under the age of 20 than any other disease.
• 1 child out of 5 who is diagnosed with cancer dies.
　
• 3 out of 5 children suffer from long-term side effects.
　
• Every school day, 46 young people, or two classrooms of students, are diagnosed with cancer in this country. More than 12,500 children are diagnosed with cancer each year and over 40,000 children and adolescents currently are being treated for childhood cancers.
　
• The average age of a child diagnosed with cancer is six years old; saving the life of a child with cancer gives our children a future; approximately, 66 years of life’s milestones and dreams to celebrate.

Only Research Cures Childhood Cancer

• Each day that cooperative group pediatric cancer research goes under funded the road to discovering new treatments and cures become longer, putting more children at risk.
　
• For the first time since its founding, the decrease in funding to the Children’s Oncology Group moves research to a dangerous level where studies and accompanying laboratory research that hold promise will not take place.
　
• Reduce Enrollment in Clinical Trials: The COG reduced enrollment in our clinical trials by 400 patients in 2007 and put about 20 new studies on hold indefinitely related to resources available to fund them.
　
• At a time when breakthroughs can be made in treating all childhood cancer and the quality of life for children with cancer improved, the continued decline in government funding will endanger the development of new clinical trials and threaten progress in curing childhood cancer.

About CureSearch

• Through public education, advocacy and fundraising, CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation supports the work of the Children’s Oncology Group (COG), the world’s largest cooperative cancer research organization that treats more than 90% of all children with cancer.
　
• The Children’s Oncology Group (COG) unites the best of the academic and clinical research worlds to move the most promising treatments from the lab into clinical trials. This association of more than 5,000 dedicated experts in childhood cancer research and treatment are located at more than 235 leading Children’s Hospitals, the finest University Hospitals and Cancer Centers in the United States. By working together, cure rates are improved at a much faster pace than any one individual or single institution could accomplish alone.
　
• The COG sets the standard of care and allows children with cancer to be treated close to home.
　
• A high level of participation in clinical trials, combined with the quick sharing of information through the Children’s Oncology Group has led to phenomenal improvements in childhood cancer survival rates.
　
• Fifty years ago, a diagnosis of childhood cancer was once a death sentence. Today, as a result of the research of the COG, the cure rate is 78% overall. However, still too many children continue to die.
　
• Together, CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation and the Children’s Oncology Group are committed to conquering childhood cancer through scientific discovery and compassionate care – until we reach the day when every child with cancer is cured and cancer can be prevented.
Each Child Deserves a Chance to Live a Whole Life: We Can Reach the Day When Every Child with Cancer is Guaranteed a Cure!
• The story of childhood cancer is simple—we are within reach of a cure. Medical research tells us that with proper funding levels – we can conquer childhood cancer.
　
• CureSearch is striving to give each child diagnosed with a cancer a whole lifetime of dreams and milestones to celebrate. The death of one more child to cancer is one too many.

For additional information, please visit: www.curesearch.org or email us at info@curesearch.org.

I Get By With A Little Help...

2009-09-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

( I stole this post from my thaydra.com site, so if you've already read it, my apologies. No wait, no I don't- because I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A PICTURE FROM YOU! Brat. =P )

So... this whole "wordy writing" thing isn't working out all that well for me. I just seem to feel too cramped in my creativity. Well, more cramped than I wanted to be. I think the idea is good, and I will probably continue to work on them a bit. But it's not what I'm going for.

My proposal to you, those of you who read this, is this: I enjoyed receiving a picture- no caption, no background on it- and creating a story to go along with it. I would like you guys to send me a photo you think would make an interesting story. I prefer not to know anything about the photo. Any photo. Your photo. A photo you find on the Internet. Where ever. Just- no porn crap, please.

You can email them to me at thaydra@hotmail.com . Put "Photo Writing" in the subject line so I know what it is.

Thanks!

Dirty Laundry

2009-09-06T00:29:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention this evening that I have no friends. I don't say that in a tongue-in-cheek way either. I'm not being goofy, or snarky. Straight up- I have no friends. I have acquaintances- friends of the boyfriend, siblings, coworkers, etc. But I have not one single person up here that I can honestly say is my friend. Believe me, I've sat in my room for the past two hours trying to think of one, and gods be damned, I just can't.

So, I lie there and think back and try to remember when the last time I really had one was. Who is someone that deep down truly gave a shit about me? I can think of only two times in my life when that has happened. When I was about six years old in Onyx, and again when I was about fifteen in Lancaster. Each time, I moved. Far. Too far for real contact to be kept. Those friends from when I was six I have long since lost touch with. And from Lancaster, only two do I still talk to sometimes, and even that is usually just short instant messages or Facebook comments. I doubt either one of them could tell you anything concrete about me these days, just as I probably couldn't tell you anything concrete about either of them.

That's not to say I haven't had people who've been friends since I've been here. I have. But no one that continued to stick by me through thick and thin. I had always held the belief that friendship should be stronger than your damn marriage even. They are your rock when all the others crumble. They are suppose to be there no matter what. None of them have stuck around that long. Not that I blame any of them. They have their own lives to live.

But it makes me wonder just what the hell is wrong with me? What is it about me that makes me so forgetable, or makes people so uncomfortable around me? What is it that makes them smile and be pleasant to my face, but then back slowly away? I try to be a positive person. I try to be caring and open and available for people. I don't know what to do. It's always been this way. I've never made friends easily. I've never kept friends easily. I've always known that they would fade away into the sunset. Try as I might to keep them around, they always fade.

Now, here I sit, tears drying on my face. It's not like a part of me didn't realize this truth already. It's just that at some moments it gets dredged up and smeared across your face like dirty sewage. It's horrible, and it stinks, and you cannot deny it. You try to clean it up, but it's still just a dirty rag stuffed down into the laundry bin somewhere, smoldering. You can bury it as far as you like, but eventually it will make it's way back up to the top.

Old Man Coffee

2009-09-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

My coffee pot reminds me of an old man in the morning. I start it working, and it sits there creaking and groaning while it does it's thing. I'm half expecting it to blow up every time I use it now- which would suck, since I defiantly am addicted to my morning coffee. If it does that, it should do it a morning that I work. We have a coffee pot there. I can salvage my brain.

That said, I think Summer may be over now. Even though I knew it was coming, and the "official" start to Fall is just a short stint away, I am not completely ready for it, and it makes me sad. The kids start school again this week, and it will be back to the busy mornings, and busy homework filled evenings. I am expecting even more homework this year, since my son starts junior high. Eeps! I wasn't ready for that either.

On the plus side of this, however, is the fact that Sunday evening, my son comes back home! I'm so excited I just might pee myself. I've missed the hell out of having him around. Every time he went back over to his dad's house this Summer, it broke my heart a little. I'm glad he has his dad around though, for him to go hang out with. I read and hear so often about children whose fathers either up and abandoned them, or whose mothers just won't let their dad see them out of vindiction, or who plain just don't know who the daddy is. It's sad, and I'm so thankful that my relationship with my kids' father is still amicable, one might even call it friendly, and that my kids don't have to suffer like the others do.

My new schedule at work has started this month, and I am excited to receive the information to sign up for the medical plan. I'm not sure how long I have to wait for that, but I'm hoping it's not too long. I so desperately need to get in to be seen by a doctor, a dentist, and an optometrist. It will be so nice to start getting things fixed. And I'm hoping it will cut down on my sick days, since many of those seem to be migraine related. I'm hoping between the doctor and the optometrist, we can get those dealt with.

Anyway, it's a quiet, rainy morning as I sip on my first cup of coffee from my old man coffee pot, and my eyes try to focus on the screen in front of me. I have no idea what I am going to do today, although laundry and a lot of baking are on the agenda.

This is kind of a weird stopping point, but I ran out of things to type, so there ya go!

Ok- here's a rant for you. I'm super annoyed at the label section for Blogger. I try to type something in, like "school", but since I'd used "school helper" before, now it won't let me type just "school". It automatically chooses "school helper". I don't want "school helper"! I want "school"! Sheesh. Is there anyway to turn those auto-things off?!

Ouch

2009-08-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

So, I've been taking these Pilate's classes every Tuesday morning and Thursday evening. I can feel my core strengthening, and I notice that I tend to pull in my tummy and stand/sit up straighter more often now. I also have noticed that my shoulder absolutely and unequivocally does not like this new addition to our weekly routine. It has been howling and kicking and screaming every step of the way. Especially when we are doing the rotator cuff stretches. It makes me wonder again if it is that little bugger that's bugging out, although the medical staff had deemed it something else, although what that something else was, they never would tell. All I know, is it hurts. From the nape of my neck, down into my shoulder blade (all-encompassing), around the front of my chest, down through the top of my shoulder, into my elbow, and radiates down into my palm and fingers. I drop stuff that I hold in that hand often. Not always, but often enough for me to notice, and for others to notice.

Part of me thinks this stubborn reluctance to participate is good. Maybe it will work that sucker out, stretch it out, and make it more pliable and less ouchy. The other part wonders if I'm causing more harm than good. It most certainly feels that way, especially at night when I am trying to sleep. Grrr....

But, oh well. Class only runs for one more week. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it ends. Probably cry. And my stupid shoulder will dance with joy.

To Everything, There is a Season

2009-08-05T12:44:00.000-07:00

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

It's been brought to my attention recently that I "am not the same person I use to be". It was mentioned in a negative way. It makes me wonder who they think I was? Does anyone really know the real me? I know that there are people I work with, and others, who occasionally read this, and do not need the gory details as to what my life entailed. I'm sure if you use your imagination, it will come close. Better yet, drop a couple hits of LSD, then use your imagination, and you'll probably just about hit it on the nail head. Just know, it wasn't the most angelic of days. I now feel that perhaps a bit of garbled explanation is in order. Or maybe I just need to vent. This will probably make some people angry, but I'm okay with that right now.

Do you know how a heart can break when your 8 year old daughter looks at you and says, "Mommy, I'm so glad you don't drink anymore."? It's shattering. It is also an eye-opener.

I've noticed that people have a slightly askew vision of who they think I am. Granted, they have reason to think this way. I led a valiant effort pretending to be someone who I wasn't. I was very convincing. I was a person driven by escape and release. My choices were not healthy, they were not productive, and most notable of all- they were horrible influences upon my children.

The sad part is, I was so good at pretending I was happy. And in a way, I was, but that was because I was able to forget what my life really was. Temporary escapism, nothing real. I still had to wake up and face reality. I still had to live the life I had put myself in. And the more I pushed to make changes that actually gave me true happiness, the more others pushed against me, telling me that wasn't who I was. My resolve to make choices that affected me in a productive, positive way was met with resistance from all facets of my social life. They couldn't possibly believe that I could give this up and be okay with it. Since I wasn't out there "having the time of my life" anymore, it had to be bad. I had caught myself in a cycle of doing and being everything that everyone else wanted me to be, instead of being who I wanted to be. Instead of being who my kids needed me to be. The longer this facade went on, the more ingrained into everyone it became that this was who I was. Even when the truth leaked out, it was soon forgotten, in order for the charade to continue. Forgotten by them, but not forgotten by me.

I finally got to a point where it was time to take those drastic measures, and do what was right, not only for me, but for all involved. It had been voiced by many (albeit, not to me) that it was something that needed to be done. However, when the task was accomplished, I was met not with sympathy and rejoicement, but anger, disappointment and disapproval by those I had counted on to support me. I decided (with a bit of nudging by certain persons), to let go of the shame and bitterness I held at being regarded with such emotion, and rather to let those emotions in the others run their coarse.

It seems that some are still running that race. They are still circling that track, and perhaps they don't know where the finish line is. Or perhaps they have another finish line in mind. Regardless of what others may feel, though, I am happy. I am not just content, I am at peace with myself. Finally. I have found where I need to be. I need to be home. With my children. Both of them consistently tell me how much happier they are that I am home, that I don't drink, that we no longer have loud obnoxious parties. Thankfully, that is all they remember or noticed about me back in those times- just the drinking and the parties.

So to those of you who feel I am not the same person that I was- I am not. Not because I am not being true to myself, but because I am finally being true to myself. The person you were viewing was an illusion. Who you were seeing was not me, but someone everyone else wanted and enjoyed. Now it's time for me to be me for me. I'm done with being who everyone else wants me to be. I've found my Self, and I am quite content there. I like being at home. I like doing those mundane household chores, even while I complain about them. I like going to bed early. I like to just hang out and laugh with my kids and my boyfriend. I don't need the bars, or the parties. I leave that to those who still enjoy them. Why should I do something that I am not enjoying if I don't have to?

Perhaps this change causes me to appear to be a hermit. I look back on the past few weeks and laugh at that. I've been out constantly for the past month. I've had only a couple of days where I was able to stay in my pajamas and putter around the house for the day. The rest have been filled with dinners, bbqs, friends, errands, and excursions. I will go out to events, but leave once the real party starts. My life is full and beautiful. I am no longer afraid to wake up and face my reality. I no longer need to immerse myself in fantasy and substance to color my world and make me forget. I am happy.

I know this post is amorphous at best. I guess I don't really know what it is about me lately that people are so turned against. I want it to be known that I welcome anyone's comments, questions or concerns about what I've been going through, doing, and what your perceptions of me have been. I am not a closed door. Quite the opposite, in fact. I am more open now than I have ever been before.

Half-Hour My Hiney

2009-07-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

I think the clock is broken. Including the computer clock. They all broke in sync. Stupid clocks.

I'm hungry. I ran out the door yet again with nothing but coffee in my tum-tum. And even that was negligible, as it was rewarmed over from yesterday's pot, and then another cup of instant coffee that I screwed up and put WAY too much coffee in.

So... yeah....

We built some planter boxes that line the front of the house. I say "we", but it was Dustin who built them. We borrowed a truck from some friends, and had it filled with dirt a few times, and there is a truckload sitting at home waiting for me to come back and shovel it into the wheelbarrow, and fill those neat little planters up. I bought some fantastic flowers that are said to attract hummingbirds that I'm going to plant in front of the windows. It is also going to house my dahlias and some iris. We'll see what else I put in there. I'm super excited about it.

On Friday night, we took the kids, along with one of my son's friends, to see Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince. I liked it. Of course, I had a hard time remembering the beginning of it (from the book). I remembered it come the end though. They did a good job with it. Of course, the books are entirely better all around. But for visual stimulation it works.

The next evening we went to some pals' house (the ones that lent us the truck), and had pizza and watched FanBoys. That was pretty funny. Probably even better if you are a big Star Wars fan. Maybe not so much if you prefer Star Trek. I like Wars better. But I'm not fanatical like they are. But made for good movie material.

I'm consistently amazed by the people from my past that continue to come out of the ether on FaceBook. It's awesome seeing these people again, and finding out where their life's path took them. Some aren't so hot, others are fantastic. If you use Facebook and are not already connected to me, and want to be... look up Thaydra. If I don't know you firsthand, throw in a little comment so I know what the heck you want and how you know me! (just mention the blog).

I began taking Pilate's classes through my job. The day after the first class I thought I was going to die. Or at least maybe snap in half (or any number of pieces). But now, I'm amazed at how much my body will do and rebound from. After just one class. I don't know if it is related or not, but it's definitely coinkydinky if not. I'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to do once the class is over. I can't just quit, because I have plans for all this weight loss and six-pack abs.

Ok.. I think that's it. I'll try to get some pictures up of the new flower bed in the next day or so.

Because I Said So

2009-07-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

Go here: http://thaydra.com/?cat=74

Two new ones. You know you want to.

Cheese Doesn't Wear Diapers

2009-07-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

I was in my room grabbing one of the many hair ties that wind up on my headboard when I go to bed (they were all over there this morning), when I noticed that I have accumulated just about as many books over there as well. Books I've read and finished, and then started the next, only to pile them ontop of each other. There is actually a fine collection of dust covering them now.
This, in turn, reminded me how severely I've been neglecting my thaydra.com website. I use to be pretty regular about posting my book reviews. Now, I'm afraid to even go look at when the last one I posted was, because I'm sure I've read a dozen more that I will have to go back and remember.

Or, I could just start anew, which may be what I do. Starting anew is usually a good thing.

On another note, that is somewhat similar in an entirely different way, I am expecting my son to ask to stay with his dad once the school year starts, too. This thought has given me much stomach upset over the past week or so. It's gotten me rather emotional, I must admit. And it is forcing me to view things from more than just my heart. But it makes me weep, as I did after dropping him off after his doctor appointment yesterday when he said he wanted to go "home" and not to my house. Granted, I know he only wanted to go to his dad's so he could play on the computer, and it had nothing to do with me, myself. He told me as much. But it was the fact that he called that house "home", and mine "your house". Nails in the coffin. Or on the blackboard. It still tore.

I have a need to get out of the house and do something. But everything I attempt to do I find blocked from me. I was going to dig up the front yard and put in a flower bed. However, the ground just isn't giving enough to let up for me. Not to mention, I realized I should probably build it up, instead, to deter the dog from running in it, or using it as his personal bathroom. So I went to the local Lowe's to price materials. It's not horrible, but out of my range at the moment. So, that is put on hold.

There really isn't much to do in my garden that I don't do in the first 15-20 minutes I'm up in the morning while I wait for my coffee. Well, considering how it's going, I'm sure there's tons for me to do, I just don't know what. So, I guess I could browse the Internet for ways to help it, but that is counter-productive to my goal of getting away from this damn thing.

So what am I doing? Sitting here bitching about it on my blog.

By the way, I'm in need of some heavy machinery. Anyone got some? I need to clear out my backyard of all the overgrown grass, brush, and blackberry vines from ground that is lumpy and full of holes. It's scary back there, but would be so nice if I could get it cleared. So much potential! I'd love to throw a little picnic bench out there, and I think there is a perfect hammock area as well. How naive we were when we moved in as to how much actual work this was going to be. The work isn't the issue though, it's being able to get ahold of the stuff we need to get it done. It's way too much to be done by hand.

Ok, I'm going to go figure out something to do besides sit in this chair and stare at my screen. My stuff on Facebook is done, the blogs I follow are read, my email checked, my bills paid. Time to get outside into that sunshine, even if I just sit there and read!

Mother's Milk for Satan's Spawn

2009-07-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

So.. I come home after working all day long. I'm tired. I'm groggy. I feel like a shower is in order. So I wash up. I shave my pits for tomorrow in case I'm walking (which I kinda hope I do). I'm standing in the bathroom afterwards, cleaning out my ears and applying deodorant. You know- typical just-out-of-the-shower crap. That's when I notice blood on my arm. WTF? I look at my pits. No blood. I look at my legs. No blood. I look around my arm. No more blood. Where the... I look down, and there is blood running down my tummy.

My freakin' BOOB is bleeding! Not just my boob, but my freakin' NIPPLE! Epic WTF. Now, for those of you who don't deal with me in reality, I recently had a "girly" visit with my doctor (new doctor) that went so fast I doubt I even had time to blink. I filled out all the first-timer forms. When was your last menstrual cycle? Jan. 2009. What form of birth control do you use? None. Do you want to change that? Yes. Do you get headaches/dizziness/etc? Yes to all- alot. Any history of cancer in your family? Yeah- my maternal grandmother had a brain tumor that killed her. You get the picture.

Sooo.. I'm thinking that question #1 alone is going to get me an hour long visit. She didn't even mention it. In fact- I had to stop her as she flew out the door to ask if I could possibly get a prescription for birth control. I thought she was coming back after getting me a referral. The nurse came back with my prescription for b/c. Now, 2 weeks later- I still have no answers. Not even the results of my test. No referral for the dermatologist (to check my moles to make sure I don't have skin cancer). Nothing.

So... bloody boobs- needless to say- scared the ever-loving shit out of me. And trust me, I don't love shit, so it was hard to find that bugger and poop it out.

I walked into the doorway, and asked LoveBug to come look at it for me. Was it a cut, or was it actually leaking out of my boob? He thinks it's a cut. I think I nicked it when shaving (either when I started or was putting it away). Omg... I feel better now. Although the bastard stings.

I made sure to curse it out for giving me a freakin' heart attack. Damn boobs.

I'm Not Writing- I'm Raving.

2009-07-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

Or something like that. And not raving as in "That was so awesome!" raving. Raving as in "raving mad!". And not mad as in angry- more like crazy. Or something like that.

My desire to write has just about vanished. I haven't written anything in awhile now. I've been saving my word-a-day words, but I haven't been even looking at them. They aren't even printed out. And my stories, well, I've looked at them in my head some, but that's as far as I've been motivated to go with them. Not sure where this funk came from, but it's here. It's not only affecting my writing, but all creativeness in me. I haven't crafted anything. I've made no more jewelry, although I was starting to even like the stuff I was making. I've been wearing it and everything. I do need to go pick up some wire though. I'm all out.

On a good note, my son got his orange belt after his test. It was rough, and it was hard to watch, but he persevered and he got it. He needs to study up on his terminology, but he was nervous as all hell, so forgot a lot of what I know he knew. And it didn't help that I had lost part of his study guide, so some of it he just had to remember from class- which I think he did a good job of doing. Then he got beat up for an hour or so. He got hit a couple of really good ones. One in the stomach that I thought was going to make him throw up. But he stuck with it, and went right back in. I got to snap some of my spirit into his new belt. So did his dad, Dustin, and even his Sister got up there and added some of hers. We were all really proud of him.

The 4th of July was nice. My sister's neighbor across the street owns a fireworks stand, so of course he gets his hands on some good stuff. Therefore, being the nice guy he is (or he could just be a show-off, -I've never met him personally), he puts on a show for the street each year. Then, turns out my best friend from high school's mom lives across the street next door to that guy, and BF was there, so we got to hang out all night and shoot the poo. It was cool. Kids had fun. I had fun. It was Epic Win. Okay, maybe not "epic", but at least "heroic". (If you don't get that, you aren't a gamer, and therefore disowned. Okay, maybe not disowned, but I am shaking a disapproving finger at you and muttering "tsk tsk".)

Work is chugging along like work does. I'm lucky in the aspect that I enjoy my job. I work with fantastic people, and the work I do is enjoyable. I'm still amazed at how lucky I got in landing this job. I'm so use to absolutely abhorring my work, that this is still crazy new to me- and it's been almost 2 years now. Really? Two years already? Holy cow's milk. I was in the Port Orchard Street Scramble this year , which is just running around town kind of like a scavenger hunt for a couple hours in the morning, as part of the Library Team. We were in the Parade again, but you could definitely tell that our hearts just weren't really into it this year. It seems as though there is a pall fallen over the town this year. There is just no oomph or excitement. It's okay though. It usually signals change, and while scary, change is usually good.

The kids' dental work is well under way. My son has to go in Friday to see if they can finally cement his expander in. Hopefully they will. He leaves for Summer Camp with his Boy Scout Troop on Sunday for a week. He's really looking forward to it. He is signed up for a bunch of exciting classes that he's pumped up for. He always has fun on these trips. I think it's great.

Which reminds me, I need to call and cancel his doctor's appointment for Friday. Don't let me forget!

Hmmm.... let's see.. Has anything else been going on that I can write about? I'm not thinking of anything. It's been pretty chillaxed around here as of late. So, I'm going to wrap this up with a nice pretty bow, and post it for your enjoyment. Or to numb your brain. You decide.

I LOL'd in RL

2009-06-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

Click on it to view full funniness!

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